Coping With a Bipolar Spouse

How does one cope with a bipolar spouse?
I suppose the answer to this is will be different from each spouse of a bipolar person. In the end, I think the best thing we (the spouse of someone who is bipolar) can do is have something that is that is our own. I don't even think what "something" is, is even that important. You just have to have something that is all yours. Something that your bipolar spouse is not involved in. I'm not implying that we should have a secret life or that our "something" even has to be a secret. It just needs to be ours, something we control or are part of, something that our bipolar spouse does not influence and is not at all part of and (if can be) something that is or happens outside of our home.

From my experience dealing with my bipolar husband, this is why I think having our own "something to do" without our bipolar spouse and even better- something to do without our bipolar spouse- that's outside of our home, is very important.

Reason #1- whatever "we" do ends up in ciaos.
It's great to spend time and do things with my husband, when he is well. When he is well, I want to spend time with him. I want to do things with him. But, the more things we are involved in together is just more of MY life that gets thrown into turmoil when he is not well. When he is sick, whatever he has part in (that involves me) will get turned upside down. When he is sick, all the anger that he feels gets directed towards me. He can't seem to separate that anger he feels for me from whatever we do together. So whatever we are doing together- or trying to do- just ends up a big mess.

Reason #2- I need to have an excuse to get away
By away, I don't mean for days, just a little break from the madness. This break really shouldn't be a job- unless you work opposite hours your bipolar spouse. And I think it should be something flexible- not set to a specific timetable. I've said this before: When my bipolar husband is having an episode, I try my best to keep him at home. If he is at home, it is less likely something really bad will happen. But, just because I know he is having an episode and just because I'm trying to keep the damage minimal (by keeping him home) does not mean I want to spend every minute at home with him. Even worse- spending every minute with him pretending like everything is ok. The thing is, when Mr bipolar is not well, me trying to leave "just to get away" makes him angrier and more likely to do something crazy. Why? He doesn't think anything is wrong with him- it's all me. From his view, I shouldn't need to get away from him, he needs to get away from me. The commitments I have are, for the most part, year round. Sometimes they involve a little "extra" time. This works well for me. When he is manic, I suppose my husband doesn't feel threatened by the the things I do regularly. Him not being threatened by it is not the same thing as him not having issues with it (sometimes). What I mean is, if it's something I always do it-he does see it as me finding an excuse to get away. During an episode, he may not like me leaving to do anything- but he doesn't see it as about him- at least in this sense. He may find away to think it's about him and he may give me grieve about it- but he still doesn't see it as me being "sneaky" trying to get time away from him.
So, my outside activities allow me an excuse to get out of my house during his bipolar episodes and the flexibility allows me to change it up as needed.

Reason #3- I need something to mentally focus on.
Dealing with my husband's bipolar disorder can be so mentally draining. Sometimes, I just need something to occupy my mind with. I have hobbies- things I can do at home. But, when Mr Bipolar is not well, I find it hard to focus on most anything at home. If he is there, he's gonna have something to say about whatever I'm doing- usually something that angers me. If he's not home, there is just to many reminders of what's going on for me to truly focus my mind somewhere else. Doing my thing- out side of our house- truly allows me to get away for a while. These breaks help keep me mentally stable.

Reason #4- If he's part of it, he wants to control it.
When my bipolar husband is manic- he thinks he is right about everything. If we try to do something together- it has to be his way. Even something as simple as watching TV together becomes a battle in his manic state. If there is something fun (and I'm sure there is) that we could do together when he is well- and I mean outside activities, not sitting at home playing a game type stuff- his manic episodes would only ruin it. If he can't be in control and have things his way- he becomes embarrassing. At least I get embarrassed, he thinks he is right and just makes a fool out of himself. It's easier to just not participate in these activities then to have them ruined by his disease. I do things I enjoy and we can do things together when he is well. But, I no longer try for us to do things together that involve long term commitments because I know, eventually, it will just be ruined by bipolar disorder.

While I do have other ways to cope- this is my biggest. I guess basically just having my own life. A part of my life he is not involved in. He knows what I do- but he can't control it, he's not a part of it. And, if he's not a part of it. His Bipolar disorder can't touch it!