Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Protecting You Bipolar Spouse

I have always tried to protect Mr Bipolar. I love him. I have never wanted anyone to think badly of him. I think, this protection I feel comes with the territory of living with someone who has bipolar disorder. Like I said, I think. Let me explain.

Until Mr. Bipolar was diagnosed, I didn't know anyone with this disease. I don't think people talk about it much. I didn't talk about it much at first. Actually, complete opposite. It was a secret. Why is something like this kept such a secret? I can only answer from our (mine and hubby's) perspective.

My husband is very smart- very. To be diagnosed with a mental illness was terrible for him. I guess he thought stigma. I was just glad to have an answer to what was going on. Even so, no matter how much of a relief it was for me, I didn't say much to people- at first.

Because I never wanted anyone to think badly of him, I never talked about the things he did. This was my way of protecting him. Most of his bipolar episodes, at least the bad stuff, involved just me anyway. To outsiders looking in, when he was manic- he was just being hyper that day. The hate and anger he felt was always directed towards me.

It's funny, in front of other people he would be laughing and having a great time. They would think he was the life of the party. At the same time, he would be so angry at me- for no reason. I think, part of the reason others never saw this side was because I wouldn't let them. I could tell when he was angry- even if he was smiling at them. I would just play my part and try to baby him so we could get through the night. When we went home, things would be awful. But no one ever saw the awful. And I never talked about it.

So many things were never said. There were times when our friends or family would notice "something" was off- but it was usually because of me, not him. I would get stressed or I would seem like I wasn't having a good time. "Whats wrong" they would ask. I would just make up an excuse- I was tired. I made so many excuses.

All the excuses, all the lies- the not talking about what was really going on was my way of protecting my bipolar husband. All because, I didn't want anyone thinking bad of him. I knew he wasn't really the mean person he was acting like on that day. I didn't want them to see that side of him. They wouldn't understand.

Was protecting him the best thing? No, I don't think so at all. What really started to happen was that- ironic enough- people started to think something was wrong with me! I was the one always having to say things like- No we can't go or we need to go home. Our friends thought I didn't want to be around them. I must say I did a good job, no one knew anything was wrong with him.

Now- here we are years later. I don't protect him anymore. What I find interesting is that since I have begun to talk about him being bipolar, it seems like everyone I know knows someone who is bipolar. I don't know (personally) anyone who lives with a bipolar spouse- which I do think, coping with, is different from a friend or relative. What I realize is that there was no need to try and protect him.
While our friends and family my not understand everything about this disease, they are still my friends and family too. Our life may have been better all the way around if I had said something sooner. Somethings may have been stopped. He may have gotten help sooner. I know, I certainly could have used the support a lot sooner.

I guess you live and learn. I don't protect him anymore. I still don't want people to think badly of him, and I don't call everyone I know and tell them every thing he does when he does it. But now, I don't feel bad about venting. Venting can be good.

What I did learn from all those years of trying to protect him- you have to pick your battles. When your spouse is bipolar, there are lots of battles. Now, I choose only to fight those that mean something. He has bipolar disorder, he will do things I can't change. If it's not important- I just let it go.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The To Do List of the Spouse of a Bipolar

I've Been away. Not really away, but away from my computer. I am so overwhelmed right now I could just pull my hair out.
Have I mentioned before that I do everything? Probably. I'm sure there are some of you that know exactly how I feel. Everyday is a challenge to get everything done, my stuff plus all the extra stuff my bipolar husband should be doing. When you throw anything extra into the mix it's impossible to keep up.

My oldest daughter is a girl scout. I am her troop leader. In March we sold cookies for 3 weeks. We sell ALOT of cookies. It's all my troop does for those 3 weeks. I am also the cookie mom for my troop so I am responsible for every box of cookies and every dollar we bring in. We sold 6500 boxes this year. It was a long 3 weeks.
For these 3 weeks I hardly had time to sleep- much less anything else. This is not my first go round with cookies, but it is my first time trying to juggle everything involved with cookies sales and a new baby.

I really could have used some help with things. Think I got any? Nope!
I kept up with laundry and as much of the "little stuff" as I could, but needless to say everything piled up- even the laundry.
Of course right after cookie sales ended was my daughter's birthday and between me and the 2 kids we have had 7 DR appointments in the past month. Luckily- no one was sick, just routine checkups, eye DR, ect.. Thank Goodness! I might have truly lost my mind had any one of us actually been sick.

So here I am, April is over- and I am STILL playing catch up. I did finally get the laundry caught up, but that's it. The house is a mess, the flower beds are over grown, the pool is not clean, the ironing pile is running over- ohhh the list goes on and on.

No matter how much I do, my to do list just gets longer and longer. When it gets this bad, I get overwhelmed. I don't know where to start.
I really need MR Bipolar to step up and help. He could load the dish washer occasionally. Him cleaning the pool would be really nice- That won't happen! Heck- him helping to clean the pool would be nice. Right now- even that's a lot to ask of him. He's not well again. He's not as bad as he can get- but not normal either. Right now he is being very selfish- not thinking of anyone but himself. So, I don't expect any help from him anytime soon.
My husband takes 3 different meds. Sometimes, I think I need a mix of meds to help me cope!