Sunday, July 26, 2009

My Mentally Ill Family

My husband has bipolar disorder. I am beginning to think his entire family is- in some way- mentally ill. The way they act just doesn't seem normal to me.

Maybe it's because I come from a very loving-huggy-kissy type family. We tell each other when something is wrong and we always try to help each other, no matter what.

Mr. Bipolar's family is not like that. They are unemotional and somewhat unloving. I am beginning to think it is unhealthy for him and us.

After he was officially diagnosed, Mr Bipolar called his mom and told her he was bipolar. You would think she would be happy to know there was a reason for all the erratic behavior she had put up with when he was younger. Apparently, she didn't tell anyone- not even his Dad. As a matter of fact about 2 years later the subject of hubby being bipolar cam up when both his parents were here ( a rare occasion indeed that they are at our house) and his mother denied knowing! But that is how his family is. They don't talk about people being sick. It's just not mentioned.

Earlier this year, when Mr Bipolar was in yet another car wreck, I went to his mom, without him knowing- because he was in a real bad way at the time- and tried to talk to her. I wanted them, his parents, to understand that I was NOT going to let him take my car to work everyday. He worked 45 minutes away. He getting ticket after ticket and now a wreck. I would take him to work and pick him up- even though that would be a burden- but he was not taking my car. The last thing we needed was him to wreck it too. I know it sounds mean. But in his state of mind it was the right thing to do. If he had been normal, him taking my car would not have been an issue. Anyway, I wanted them to understand why I would be doing this and I tried to talk to her to see if she really understood what him being bipolar meant. She said she did. I even sort of believed her.

I have never been real close to his family. But I do try. They are different from us. But they are his family and I have always thought that they really loved him. My babies- these are their grand kids. They love them right? I am beginning to wonder.

My mother in law- after my visit a few months back, actually called me a couple of times to check and see if Mr Bipolar was getting better. He was- for a while. The phone calls stopped. I try to reach out. I call to tell her when the baby hits a new milestone- what our oldest daughter is doing. I go to visit when her mom is in town.

3 weeks ago Mr Bipolar was fired. I called his mom to let her know. See, I think he really needs his family. He wants their approval. He wants and needs to know they love him. Everybody wants their parents to love them right? I tried to tell his mom, in my visit a few months ago, that hubby really needed to know someone, besides me, cared about him. I'm guessing it didn't sink in.

Since Mr Bipolar lost his job- they have not called at all to check on us. I told Mr bipolar that I called and told his mom- they were gonna find out and I knew he wouldn't call and tell her. He wasn't mad at all. She knows that he knows I told her. We have 2 kids here. Do they not care if we don't have money for food? I'm just shocked.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want their money. And I will say- they have money. They have helped us in the past. It always comes with stipulations and lectures. It's never "out of love." As a matter of fact- his mother, who makes a pretty good living on her own has never once given us a dime on her own. The couple of times Mr Bipolar asked her for anything she always says- Talk to your Dad. With Dad- everything is business, literally. He is a lawyer. Maybe it's just his nature. Anyway, right now. We are Ok. I don't expect them to call and offer over any money. That's not like them. I don't even expect them to call to see if we need money for food- I don't think they would. But you would think they would at least call to see if their son was ok. Maybe check on how the job search was going. At the very least, check to see if the grand kids were being fed. But no- No phone calls at all. They are on vacation right now.

I just don't get it. He needs them- at least he needs to know they care. Maybe they are afraid if they call then Mr Bipolar will ask for money. I don't know what the reason could be. I think it's sad. He needs someone besides me. He needs to know his family cares for him. Why don't they get that.

It's gotten to where I just can't stand it. I don't want to be around them. I think the relationship we have with them is toxic. When things are good, for us, they call occasionally. I guess they expect when things are good we won't need any money so it's safe to call. Things are bad- and we here nothing. I would have thought his mom would have called me- just to see how he was.

I feel I have to be careful what I say about all this. I don't think Mr Bipolar sees it all. Right now, I think he could care less if they or anyone else called. They are his parents. He wants their approval. I really hope one day he'll either truly get it or see how they really are. But I can't say much. In the past when I have- he always says "they are still my parents."

My parents- they don;t have any money, never have. But they would sell everything they have to help us. They would give us every extra dime to make sure my kids were taken care of- if that is what needed to be done. Hubby's parents don't even call........ It just blows my mind.

Maybe one day I'll get up the nerve to confront them. Until then, I just wonder what they are thinking.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Bipolar Rollar Coaster

It happened sooner than I thought it would. Sooner than I could prepare for.
Mr Bipolar Lost his job- 3 weeks ago. So far, prospects for a new job have not been good. There is not a lot out there right now. But even worse is his state of mind.

I've said plenty of times that, in my husbands case, bipolar disorder keeps him manic- usually. Now he is depressed. I don't have much experience with the depressive side of this disease.

I know how to react to him when he is manic. I know what to say and what not to say to him in his usual manic state. I can see- in his eyes- him planning something before he has time to even speak it.

Now he is depressed. I don't know what to say to him or how to react to what he says and does. I know that, in a way, that probably sounds horrible. I'm not trying to sound insensitive or unloving. I truly don't know what to say to him. Everything I say he takes as "mean." He is barely speaking to me. I am trying to encourage him and show him that I love him- but he is taking it all completely wrong.

I don't know what to do for him. I don't know how to help him.

I don't know what to do next.

I- yes me- updated his resume and have been sending it out to every job he seems even remotely qualified for. He has had 2 interviews so far and one set up for Monday. I can't do much more than that.

I am worried about his state of mind and him going on interviews. He was fired from his job. He's never been fired before. In his defense- it wasn't his fault- unless there are things I don't know about which is entirely possible since I'm not there to see how he works. Anyway, he has never been fired before. He is taking it pretty hard. He's depressed. I am wondering how well he is interviewing. Normally- maybe because he is usually manic- he is very self confident. That confidence is no where to be found right now.

So- I don't know what to do next. I can certainly look for a job myself. I haven't worked, really, in 10 years. I didn't finish college. I will never make enough money to pay our bills. All that aside, who will take care of my kids if I went to work. I can't depend on him to do it. I have to watch him watching the kids when I'm here. We have a baby. I don't leave her with him for long periods. Not because he doesn't care for her or would ever harm her. But, he just doesn't always pay close enough attention. Now, when he is 100% well- this is not an issue. Right now, I can't even get him to bath- I can't leave the baby with him all day.

I just don't know what to do. I'm worried about what will happen next.

He had a Dr appointment last week and the Dr increased his anti-depressant. I sure hope it starts to work soon.

I'm just not sure how to help him. It's not healthy for him to lie around all day, not bathing, not doing anything. But when I say anything- he takes it as me being hostile and mean. Do I just not say anything? Just let him be? That's the plan of action I've taken the past few days. I haven't said much. I have had to ask for his help occasionally- which he gave. And, I have just tried to let him know I love him.

I do love him. I just wish so badly that I could help him and just make this bipolar disorder go away.