My husband has bipolar disorder- not me. Lately, I have been working on tryng to not let his disease consume me. I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. It is consumming me. Not just me- but our entire lives.
As this day comes to an end and another begins, I can only hope it will be better. Mr Bipolar, while he has not been normal lately, has not had any seriously erratic behavior issues- except for one: Driving. It's not his driving that bothers me but the consequences of his bad driving. He has gotten 5 0r 6 tickets since last August.
I have learned, fairly well, how to deal with the emotional strains of him having bipolar disorder. It's not easy to deal with all the emotions involved. It is truly the financial stress involved with disease that is just overwhelming me.
I've talked a little before about worrying what will happen in 10 years, although as I mentioned in my last post The Unstable Bipolar Life , I am beginning to think I need to worry about the more immediate future. Will he be able to work next year. After this past week of worrying about him possible losing his job, today I was hit with yet another money sucker.
It all has to do with his driving, bad driving caused by his bipolar disorder. We got our car insurance renewal in today. It is going up to $400 a month. It has more than doubled in the past year. The worst part is, come January when it's time to renew again- they will probably drop us. There is at least 2 speeding tickets and an at fault wreck from 2009 not showing up on this renewal. As if $400 a month isn't enough, if they don't drop us- our car insurance will probably cost as much as our mortgage.
And what does my loving bipolar husband say about all this: "Just call around, we can find cheaper insurance." The insurance we have is already cheap.
When I opened the envelope from the insurance company and read all this, I began to cry. It's one thing after another. Of all these tickets he has, 2 are still outstanding- one is past due. If he gets stopped for speeding, yet again, he will probably be arrested. I don't have the money to pay it. It's almost $300. I hope he remembers that and doesn't speed so he doesn't get arrested.
he keeps speeding, keep getting tickets like they have no adverse affect on our lives. But then BAM! All at once it hits- and he acts like it's really no big deal. We can shop around for better insurance. Yes, someone will insure us. And yes, we may be able to get cheaper insurance- but will they be any good. What happens if he gets in another wreck? If we have some crap insurance then what?
I am just so frustrated right now. Hi disease- bipolar disorder- consumes everything. It directs our lives. Isn't it enough I don't have my husband anymore. There is no emotional comfort or connection, he can't stay normal long enough for us to build anything back. Do we really have to lose everything because of this. I fear that's where we are headed. We've already filed bankrupt- all we really have is the house, and it's mortgaged. It's the only thing left to lose. I'm afraid that is where we are headed.
When you live paycheck to paycheck- money is already stretched as far as it will go. Any extra expense, like speeding tickets, put you behind. I have gotten extensions on bills as far as I can go. Everything has to be paid next month (July) by a certain date or it gets cut off. Now this extra insurance cost- which has to be paid in July- just adds to an already bad situation.
I hate bipolar disorder. I hate him being bipolar. I want my husband to be normal. I want a normal life. We don't have to be rich, just not so far stretched would be nice.
As I have said before, I love my husband- even though he does have bipolar disorder. We'll get though this too, I just don't see how right now this second.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Unstable Bipolar Life
This bipolar disorder has caused our lives to become completely unstable. I do not like living this way. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Bipolar has been unstable for years. But the situation, until the last year or so was always one that still left me with a safety net- a back up plan of sorts. I still has some control of things.
I don't feel so in control anymore. Things could spiral way down, way out of control-far beyond me being able to fix it- any day now. Of course, It's all about money. It seems like it's always about money.
One aspect of bipolar disorder seems to be useless spending- something my husband done as long as I remember. We always seem to be living paycheck to paycheck- with few breaks in between.
5 years ago, even though we lived paycheck to paycheck- we had credit cards- a back up, my safety net, if something went wrong. Then my husband decided to buy a restaurant. He ran it into the ground because he was so manic he didn't think he needed to work. We had to file bankrupt- that was a year and a half ago. Now, I have no backup, no safety net, no credit cards, no nothing. What if something goes wrong?
Mr Bipolar has a decent job- for now. I say for now because, well I guess he could get fired any day. I have often wondered what life will be like in 10 years. Will he be able to work? I am beginning to wonder if I need to be worried about this now- as opposed to ten years from now.
I do everything around our house, Mr Bipolar does nothing. Even when he is normal- he does very little. I manage. I can't be at work with him to make sure he is getting it all done. I don't know what he does while he is there. His job is stressful, too stressful for someone with bipolar disorder. he needs to find a new job. The problem is- he probably won't find a job making as much money as he does now. I would have to find a way to stretch our already stretched budget even farther.
but what if he gets fired? He actually came home last week and said he might get fired. It's to long to explain they why, but it did seem to pass. He is not fired- yet. But the idea has hit home. What if it did happen? What would we do.
I have always tried to fix everything around here. By fix everything I mean make better the problems him being bipolar causes. Like I said earlier, I've always had a safety net of sorts- but not anymore.
If he lost his job and was without a paycheck for a month- we could lose our house. I have 2 kids to take care of. It's so stressful just thinking about what could happen.
I feel to old for this. I want some sort of stability. I know I have to stop trying to fix everything, because I can't. But I also can't just sit around and let it happen.
I have to find a way to make some money I guess. I'm beginning to think- our lives won't be stable until I control everything. I thought I did control everything- but I don't, because I don't make any money. That's my last step. Pray I'll find a way and be able to do it without my kids suffering.
I hate bipolar disorder........
I don't feel so in control anymore. Things could spiral way down, way out of control-far beyond me being able to fix it- any day now. Of course, It's all about money. It seems like it's always about money.
One aspect of bipolar disorder seems to be useless spending- something my husband done as long as I remember. We always seem to be living paycheck to paycheck- with few breaks in between.
5 years ago, even though we lived paycheck to paycheck- we had credit cards- a back up, my safety net, if something went wrong. Then my husband decided to buy a restaurant. He ran it into the ground because he was so manic he didn't think he needed to work. We had to file bankrupt- that was a year and a half ago. Now, I have no backup, no safety net, no credit cards, no nothing. What if something goes wrong?
Mr Bipolar has a decent job- for now. I say for now because, well I guess he could get fired any day. I have often wondered what life will be like in 10 years. Will he be able to work? I am beginning to wonder if I need to be worried about this now- as opposed to ten years from now.
I do everything around our house, Mr Bipolar does nothing. Even when he is normal- he does very little. I manage. I can't be at work with him to make sure he is getting it all done. I don't know what he does while he is there. His job is stressful, too stressful for someone with bipolar disorder. he needs to find a new job. The problem is- he probably won't find a job making as much money as he does now. I would have to find a way to stretch our already stretched budget even farther.
but what if he gets fired? He actually came home last week and said he might get fired. It's to long to explain they why, but it did seem to pass. He is not fired- yet. But the idea has hit home. What if it did happen? What would we do.
I have always tried to fix everything around here. By fix everything I mean make better the problems him being bipolar causes. Like I said earlier, I've always had a safety net of sorts- but not anymore.
If he lost his job and was without a paycheck for a month- we could lose our house. I have 2 kids to take care of. It's so stressful just thinking about what could happen.
I feel to old for this. I want some sort of stability. I know I have to stop trying to fix everything, because I can't. But I also can't just sit around and let it happen.
I have to find a way to make some money I guess. I'm beginning to think- our lives won't be stable until I control everything. I thought I did control everything- but I don't, because I don't make any money. That's my last step. Pray I'll find a way and be able to do it without my kids suffering.
I hate bipolar disorder........
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