I Love my bipolar husband.
I do not Trust my bipolar husband- at least not most of the time.
When your spouse is manic depressive, trust is a very sensitive topic. Since my husband spends more time manic then he does depressed I truly do not know how much of an issue trust is with a depressed spouse. But I can say with 100% certainty that is a BIG issue when your spouse is manic.
With manic episodes comes lying, spending money, going places they shouldn't go and just in general doing things they shouldn't do. Your spouse can only sneak around so many times and lie to you so many times before you stop trusting them- bipolar or not.
A person who is bipolar may be perfectly nice and respectable when they are not having an episode. When they do have an episode, all that changes- especially for us spouses. You learn, at some point, not to trust anything they say during an episode. Sometimes, they may actually be telling the truth, but you still don't believe it. You may even want to believe it. You want so badly for some things to be true. But you just can't tell what is real. So, eventually- you stop trusting all together.
I write this today because this is where I am right now. I'm starting to wonder if I can ever really trust him again. I want to, I really want to. He, being bipolar and manic, has broken my trust so many times. After he is "back"- off his bipolar manic spiral- I give back my trust. Why? because part of me still wants to believe that this will be the last time. It's naive, I know. I think we all want our spouses to be normal. We all hope this manic or depressive episode will be the last. And, sometimes, I think we believe that until it happens again. It always happens again. It will never end. There will always be ANOTHER bipolar episode. That is the nature of this disease. It just won't stop.
So how do we give back our trust to someone who has broken it so many times? I don't know if I know the answer to this yet. I give my trust only to have it ripped away with the next bipolar episode.
It seems like a catch-22. In reality, we can't go through life not trusting our spouse. But when your spouse is bipolar, we can't trust them all the time. So how do you decide when to trust and when not to trust?
When my husband is 100% normal, I know I can trust him 100%. So the problem is- not just trust- but knowing when he is 100% normal to be able to trust him. This can be tricky.
Before they are completely gone- a bipolar person can put on a real good show- especially if they are smart. Mr Bipolar is very smart. He knows just what to say. He is smart enough to act like he is normal- at least in front of me. Now, this act of his only last a short while. Because he is bipolar, he can't keep it up very long. The thing is, he doesn't have to keep it up long. All he has to do is get me to believe that he is ok and I let my guard down. When my guard goes down, my heart usually ends up broken- again.
It's a very fine line- knowing when to and when not to trust someone who is bipolar. Because you love them, you really do want to believe they are ok.
I have had to learn to trust my gut. No matter how much of a good show Mr Bipolar puts on, usually if he is not well, I can "feel" it. Whats hard though, is not backing down.
Here is how it plays out.
Mr Bipolar is not 100% well- but he's not bad enough to where he is out doing anything terrible either. He is at that point where he is trying to hide it. I don't really know what he is feeling because he doesn't tell me. But I know he is not ok because he is doing small things that are out of character for him. Now he wants to do something. It can be anything. This "something" for normal people would be no big deal. I wish it were no big deal for us. But, because he is bipolar it is a big deal and him going off alone can lead to bad things. I say he's acting strange. He disagrees and tells me I'm over reacting. He tells me I don't trust him. And on and on and on. He is right, I don't trust him and I may be over reacting- if he were normal. But, my gut tells me something is wrong and I have to stand by it. He gets upset. He tries to rationally tell me why whatever it is he is wanting to do should be ok. He even makes sense and sometimes he has me feeling sorry for treating him badly! I almost give in. But I don't. Because my gut is telling me he is not ok. He'll get even madder. But I don't care. I have to try and make sure things stay half normal in my house- for my kids' sake.
I have learned from personal experience, if I can keep my husband at home during a bipolar episode- it won't be as bad as it could be. It won't make him get well, but it will keep him out of trouble. Of course, by keeping him at home I have to put up with all the side effects of him being bipolar- the anger, hate, frustration, ect... But it is better than having to worry about where he is or what he is doing.
Because I don't trust him- I control as much as I can, including our money. In the story above, he can't go do whatever he wants without going through me first because he has no money. When he is normal, this is really not an issue. When he is manic- it makes him angry. But, it's what I have to do,
I put up with his episodes at home, in part to keep him safe. I don't trust him with money, I don't believe what he says and I don't trust him to go places without me (when he is sick).
Like I said, I think there is a really fine line between knowing when to trust and when not to trust someone who is bipolar. You have to live and learn. I think I have learned alot. I don't trust him much at all anymore. It's actually rather sad. I now find myself having trouble trusting even when I know he is ok. I think because now, after 14 years, I do know it will happen again. No matter ow much I don't want it to- it will. The next bipolar manic episode is just right around the corner. So I'm always on guard.
Trusting has become very hard. I don't think, even when he is normal, that my bipolar husband really understands how hard this is. I know, I wish it were easier.
Trust is very important in a relationship. In a relationship with a bipolar spouse- It can truly be almost impossible.
Friday, February 27, 2009
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16 comments:
Hi, is there anyway I can contact you? The reason I ask is that my husband is bipolar and I haven't found ANYONE that I can talk to that is going through the same things I am. I could have written your blog almost word for word.
do you have an email address??? i'm feeling desperate here and just to have someone to talk to and help with some advice... thanks :) i'm going to bookmark your blog site.
-mel
Hi Mel
Thanks for reading. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I really don't have anyone to talk to either. Well, that's not true, I have people to talk to just no one who is actually going through it. That's part of the reason I started this blog- with the hope of connecting with others who may be going trough the same thing.
Feel free to email me
gstroop071@aol.com
I look forward to hearing from you!
Take Care
Hi Sheena, Is there any way of contacting you - tried the email address and wont send. Need someone to talk to as my bipolar husband sounds just the same and you seem to know so much in your blog. Just need a friend who understands really. Thanks. Claire
Please keep writing. Finding your blog was a watershed moment for me. I hope everything is okay with you and your family.
Hi Sheena.
Trust is truly hard to give especially when it's been broken habitually. Everything is much more difficult with a bipolar husband. Episodes can be very erratic and once you've left you're guard down. Things start to fall apart. I appreciate your honesty in sharing the things that you are going through right now.
I've read in a marriage counseling book
before that regardless if the partner is experiencing major emotional problems, as the other half we should be there to understand them. I suggest you read marriage counseling books
that discusses bipolar behavior to better understand your partner and to know your role in balancing their moods. I know trust can be a major issue in any relationship. But you just have to hang in there. He needs you now more than ever.
I am a former spouse of a Manic Depressive man. There seems to be absolutely no support for the spouses of people suffering from this disease. Trust? That's the least of the issue. How about the manipulation, the abandonment, the abuse, cruelty, irrational behavior,having to be strong when all you want to do is cry, the loneliness, the isolation, being their personal whipping post? It's been nearly 3 yrs since my divorce, and I am not afraid to say I hate what this man has done to me, he broke me, I pulled myself out of emotional hell, nothingness to rebuild my life alone, and yet I love the person he was prior to the complete loss of my soulmate. It's this issue that is haunting me and causes me great pain. I don't know what to do with all of it. I don't want to carry this with me forever, while he seems to just go on to his next cruel act. He is surrounded by a family of Manic Depressive men, who pat each other on the back for the cruelty they show their wives, and subserviant women who won't stand up for themselves and are slaves to this disease. I refused to do so and I have no support, no place to feel normal, no place to turn, because spouses like us just don't speak out the shame is to horrific. Where do we turn? How do we flourish and rebuild?
K.
Gianna:
you wrote: How about the manipulation, the abandonment, the abuse, cruelty, irrational behavior,having to be strong when all you want to do is cry, the loneliness, the isolation, being their personal whipping post?
that is me. i am still married and my bipolar spouse is acting normal and telling me that if i walk i am throwing a good man away who loves his family. I just cant get past the hurt. Was divorce the best choice for you? I am in such inner conflict.
Hi Sheena
I've just read your blog & I also feel I could have written this. I've been married for 16 years & I live from one episode to another. I'm on a permanent roller coaster.
He's a rapid cycler and can blast out of manic depression into hyper mania in a day. He goes from being suicidal to mania were he runs away from home, has delusions of grandeur, spends excessively & thinks he can take on the world. This illness has taken its toll on me and the children. The heartbreaking things is he's the nicest guy when he's normal which is far and few between.
When he's in the manic phase I'm always the enemy because I'm trying to ground him. I also have a huge issue with trust in the relationship.
At the moment he's staying in a hotel and I have no doubt will come home in a few days when reality sets in.
I'm so happy I came across your blog - just needed to vent!!!
Going out on a limb here, but I think you're asking too much of yourself and sacrificing far too much to remain in a relationship with someone who will do anything, say anything, and blame anybody for everything. I'm old enough to have seen this disorder destroy (or at least emotionally cripple) so many innocent lives. It's never too late to draw the line, especially if you have kids. You talk about loneliness, but wouldn't having a past relationship with the person be better than the one you have now? At least you'd be able to set your own boundaries again instead of watching them get trampled over and over. Our codependent culture won't fall apart if you stand up for yourself (but maybe it will start to crumble a bit). I admire anybody in a dysfunctional relationship, as I currently am to some degree with someone with a different but equally painful personality disorder, but it's kind of self-enslavement, no?
Hi Sheena! Can you recommend any specialist who can help a bipolar person?
Thanks
My GF fell in love with me during last few weeks of my hypomania. Things went fine for next 1 year or so, during which i was either normal, or hypomaniac.
I have had told her about my condition during this time. She never took it seriously as my behavior didn't match with explanations on wikipedia.
Then some unexpected events happened in my life. This took me to abyss of depression. I have been extreamly depressed, and extreamly irritated since then. To make things worse i am fine or hypo maniac for few days in a month
I get drunk, cheat, fight over ridiculous things, I make her cry everyday. I feel horrible for what i am doing to her but its not under my control
I will always love her and I Hope she will stay with me forever. But i know she will not .She deserves a much better life.
I think getting therapy for myself and a support group is essential. I started attending Celebrate Recovery and it changed my life and my marriage. Therapy helped me live life whether he was up or down. I think the right meds made the world of difference in my spouse. And, it took years to get them tweaked to where they are working wonderfully.
Going through this tremendous journey, I wrote actually wrote a book on being a bipolar spouse, you can find it on: www.bipolarspouses.com
Thank you for sharing your experience. My partner is Bipolar II and I'm currently in a situation that has all the signs of mania. I've accepted that this condition comes with these episodes but after this last one (where she obsessively pursued someone and convinced them (and herself) that I agreed to it) has been a breaking point for myself. We're currently taking a relationship break but continue living together. This is difficult because she hasn't accepted the severity of her actions and admits no wrongdoing. She's convinced that she's OK, and doensn't take in what those who are closest to her are saying about her condition.
I'm conflicted about what to do next because I don't want to keep getting hurt by her actions. After 8 years, it's sad that this is where we're at. :(
I'm so glad you wrote this post!
It inspired an entry of my own and I reference your work extensively therein, please check it out if you get a chance.
But please keep writing, I follow your blog and need to hear the other side of the story!!
beingabipolarsubmarineveteran.blogspot.com/2014/04/trust-but-verifyhow-does-my-wife-feel.html
Hyman Rickover
beingabipolarsubmarineveteran.blogspot.com
You are not alone. I am married to a bipolar woman and yes, these people can be mean as hell. Yelling, screaming cursing. My kids are sick and tired of it and they can't stand to be around her. These people are controlling, lying manipulators,but let them tell it they do no wrong. It's been pure hell and it only gets worst over time. I have no one I can go to,so I completely understand how you feel.All spouses of these BP people need support. I tell anyone that I know who is not married but dealing with one of these people to run, because life is too short to live misery. So many times I feel completely hopeless and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm done with praying to some God because it doesn't help whatsoever so until I can get financial straight and get away I have to deal with the misery and unfortunately so does my children. Sometimes you really have to wonder about this world.
I am so glad to be on this site today in other to express myself to the world because i made a promise to Dr.Mack that if he grants me my heart desire that i am going to make sure that the world knows about his powers.. My lover left me nine weeks ago after searching for solution all over i came across Dr.Mack and i was convinced with what i read about Dr.Mack. So i contacted Dr.Mack for help, With my greatest surprise my lover came back to me within 48 hours.. Once again don’t forget Dr.Mack contact details which are "DR_MACK@YAHOO.COM" i am so glad that i met you.
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