Bipolar Spouse and Money

If your live with a bipolar spouse, you can't always trust them to make sound financial decisions. During a bipolar episode, your opinion as the spouse may not matter at all. My bipolar husband will do whatever he wants to do when he is like this. How do you protect your family from total financial disaster when you live with someone who is bipolar?

This is very tricky. After 14 years together, I now control every aspect of our money. Some of you may be thinking that's crazy- my husband is an adult, money should be something we "control" together. I think you are right. But, when your spouse is bipolar- that's just not how it is.
As I said- we've been together 14 years, I haven't been controlling everything for 14 years. It was a process. It wasn't even something that I set out trying to do. It's what happened. This is just where we ended up. Now, I do try to control certain things- especially our money. If I could go back and do some things over, taking full control of our finances- much earlier- would be one of them.

I think every bipolar person is different. Each of us who has a bipolar spouse will have different experiences. BUT- from the reading and research I have done- over spending (and I think this is a real loose term that really doesn't describe what actually goes on) is a common symptom in those who are bipolar. So, if your spouse is bipolar, chances are you'll go through this at some point. How drastic it will be will probably depend on the person who is bipolar.

If you have read my post on How Crazy Bipolar Episodes can be, you can see some of the stuff my bipolar husband has done. You'll notice, most all of them involve money- in some way. Spending money seems to be an underlying theme in my husband's episodes. Every bipolar person may not go to such extremes.

My advice (keep in mind I am not a DR- this is from personal experience) to anyone with a bipolar spouse is to take control of your finances as soon as you can and control as much of it as you can.

Unfortunately, just because you keep a tight reign on money, doesn't mean a bipolar person won't find away around it. My husband has found plenty of ways around my "control" of things. The most extreme- he bought a motorcycle in a month when he only made $250, after we have filed bankrupt and he did it with no money down. I didn't have to sign anything. The point is- if they want it bad enough, they will find a way.

There is one other thing. When you talk about a bipolar spouse and money, it's not just about the money that they spend during an episode. I can try to control our money and keep my bipolar husband's spending to a minimum during his episodes, there are still some things I will never be able to end. This is where money and the aftermath of an episode meet. While short term spending can put a strain on a household, the aftermath of an episode can be even worse. Back to my motorcycle story. He got it- now we have to pay for it, every month. This is only one case of many where my bipolar husband purchased something during a bipolar episode that came with a monthly bill. Things like this- you can't just take back. We have to find another way out.

There are even more ways a bipolar person can financially hurt their household. And, they don't always have to have money to do it- or buy something that has to be paid off over time. Take this for example. There was a period of about 5 months where my husband just wasn't well. He wasn't terrible- but he wasn't well. In that period, he got 4 tickets. The combined cost of the 4 was about $700- not to mention my car insurance going up . When he is having a bipolar episode, he drives fast. When he is well- he doesn't. It's that simple. He had no money to just go out and spend- but he still cost us a lot of money. I know it could be worse. I think sometimes incidents like these tickets get to me because I can't control things like this. I try so hard to keep everything running smoothly around here and then BAM! I get hit with something else.

So how do you control everything without it seeming like you are controlling? I haven't really figured that out yet. With my bipolar husband- when he is well, none of this is an issue. When he is well he doesn't ask for money or spend money. It's only when he is sick. When he is having an episode, no matter what I do or say and no matter what our current financial situation- it won't be good enough for him. He will complain that he works and never gets to spend any money. No matter how bad things are in our household- there will still be something that he wants. Of course, reasoning with him when he is like this is not an option.
So what do I do?
Mainly, I just put up with his attitude about it. I know he doesn't really mean what he says, so I just deal with it. He can just be mad. I make sure all our bills are paid as soon as he gets paid, so there is no chance he can spend that money (he has never done this).
The only thing I've found that even half way works as trying to reason with him , my bipolar husband, when he is not well is this: Try to find an alternative and make him think it's his idea.
In short- I have to trick him. I try to redirect his attention to something else, just by mentioning it, and hope that he takes off with it as his idea. This doesn't always work. But it does work sometimes and it's the only way I've found to "stop" him from continuing on with something that may not be good for our family.

If your dealing with the financial tragedies a bipolar spouse has caused, my heart goes out to you. It can be hard and it can make you wonder why you stay where you are. Hang in there. I've said before, I love my bipolar husband. If you love your bipolar spouse, you will find away to get through!

Bipolar Spouse and Emotions

So I admit, my bipolar spouse is not the most emotional man on this planet, even when he is well. When you add bipolar disorder on top of someone who is already not very emotional, you get a not so nice mix.
When I say Mr bipolar is not emotional- I don't mean at all. He's not real huggy and kissy but he's not in anyway mean. I actually think alot of it is taught. His family is just not real open with their emotions. And ya know- that may be it. He has emotions, he's just not real open with them.
Now, right after he comes off of a manic episode, he is really venerable. He shows more emotion at this point then ever.

During his episodes, the only emotions that seems to surface are the bad ones- anger, frustration- you get the point. Of course, when this starts he is pretty far gone. Early on in the episode he is just emotionless- like a robot. While the anger, frustration and hate are hard to deal with, I now know those emotions are not how he really feels about things. They may feel very real to him while it's happening and it certainly feels real to me while it's happening, but I know that deep down he doesn't really hate everything.
In the beginning, when he shows no emotion, it can actually be harder for me then when he is angry and hates everything. At least by the time he gets angry, I know whats going on- he is having a bipolar episode. It's that simple.
When he shows no emotion, it can be very confusing. Especially since he's not real emotional to begin with. It's during this time that I find myself asking him "what's wrong" or "what's the matter" 50 times a day. Nothing- is always the answer, but to me he seems less emotional than normal. I guess I should know by now that this IS the beginning of a bipolar episode. I guess part of me is just hoping that it isn't.

It's funny how I can think through it and say- I should know it starts like this: No emotion. I guess it's just really confusing because at this point he isn't necessarily doing anything else. And, since he doesn't show alot of emotion all the time- it's not much different. There are times, when he's not having a bipolar episode but is having a bad day or is tired or sick- where he seems the same way- less emotional than normal. I suppose this would be why I think maybe it's not the start of an episode every time it happens.
I guess I should change that- it's the start of a bipolar episode when it last for a few days. If it's just one day- he could just not be feeling well. Right? Maybe I try to convince myself that even after 3 or 4 days, he's just not not feeling well. I know better than that. But I still believe it sometimes. I mean, one can be sick or not feel well for 3 or 4 days- or even longer. Right? As his wife, I should give him the benefit of the doubt- right?
ARG!!!! See how confusing it can be!!! NO- I shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt- He's Bipolar! Chances are it IS an episode and I know that. I don't know why I ever convince myself otherwise. I guess maybe I will learn one day.

Until then- I will love my bipolar spouse and try to make the best of it.

Coping With a Bipolar Spouse

How does one cope with a bipolar spouse?
I suppose the answer to this is will be different from each spouse of a bipolar person. In the end, I think the best thing we (the spouse of someone who is bipolar) can do is have something that is that is our own. I don't even think what "something" is, is even that important. You just have to have something that is all yours. Something that your bipolar spouse is not involved in. I'm not implying that we should have a secret life or that our "something" even has to be a secret. It just needs to be ours, something we control or are part of, something that our bipolar spouse does not influence and is not at all part of and (if can be) something that is or happens outside of our home.

From my experience dealing with my bipolar husband, this is why I think having our own "something to do" without our bipolar spouse and even better- something to do without our bipolar spouse- that's outside of our home, is very important.

Reason #1- whatever "we" do ends up in ciaos.
It's great to spend time and do things with my husband, when he is well. When he is well, I want to spend time with him. I want to do things with him. But, the more things we are involved in together is just more of MY life that gets thrown into turmoil when he is not well. When he is sick, whatever he has part in (that involves me) will get turned upside down. When he is sick, all the anger that he feels gets directed towards me. He can't seem to separate that anger he feels for me from whatever we do together. So whatever we are doing together- or trying to do- just ends up a big mess.

Reason #2- I need to have an excuse to get away
By away, I don't mean for days, just a little break from the madness. This break really shouldn't be a job- unless you work opposite hours your bipolar spouse. And I think it should be something flexible- not set to a specific timetable. I've said this before: When my bipolar husband is having an episode, I try my best to keep him at home. If he is at home, it is less likely something really bad will happen. But, just because I know he is having an episode and just because I'm trying to keep the damage minimal (by keeping him home) does not mean I want to spend every minute at home with him. Even worse- spending every minute with him pretending like everything is ok. The thing is, when Mr bipolar is not well, me trying to leave "just to get away" makes him angrier and more likely to do something crazy. Why? He doesn't think anything is wrong with him- it's all me. From his view, I shouldn't need to get away from him, he needs to get away from me. The commitments I have are, for the most part, year round. Sometimes they involve a little "extra" time. This works well for me. When he is manic, I suppose my husband doesn't feel threatened by the the things I do regularly. Him not being threatened by it is not the same thing as him not having issues with it (sometimes). What I mean is, if it's something I always do it-he does see it as me finding an excuse to get away. During an episode, he may not like me leaving to do anything- but he doesn't see it as about him- at least in this sense. He may find away to think it's about him and he may give me grieve about it- but he still doesn't see it as me being "sneaky" trying to get time away from him.
So, my outside activities allow me an excuse to get out of my house during his bipolar episodes and the flexibility allows me to change it up as needed.

Reason #3- I need something to mentally focus on.
Dealing with my husband's bipolar disorder can be so mentally draining. Sometimes, I just need something to occupy my mind with. I have hobbies- things I can do at home. But, when Mr Bipolar is not well, I find it hard to focus on most anything at home. If he is there, he's gonna have something to say about whatever I'm doing- usually something that angers me. If he's not home, there is just to many reminders of what's going on for me to truly focus my mind somewhere else. Doing my thing- out side of our house- truly allows me to get away for a while. These breaks help keep me mentally stable.

Reason #4- If he's part of it, he wants to control it.
When my bipolar husband is manic- he thinks he is right about everything. If we try to do something together- it has to be his way. Even something as simple as watching TV together becomes a battle in his manic state. If there is something fun (and I'm sure there is) that we could do together when he is well- and I mean outside activities, not sitting at home playing a game type stuff- his manic episodes would only ruin it. If he can't be in control and have things his way- he becomes embarrassing. At least I get embarrassed, he thinks he is right and just makes a fool out of himself. It's easier to just not participate in these activities then to have them ruined by his disease. I do things I enjoy and we can do things together when he is well. But, I no longer try for us to do things together that involve long term commitments because I know, eventually, it will just be ruined by bipolar disorder.

While I do have other ways to cope- this is my biggest. I guess basically just having my own life. A part of my life he is not involved in. He knows what I do- but he can't control it, he's not a part of it. And, if he's not a part of it. His Bipolar disorder can't touch it!