Protecting You Bipolar Spouse

I have always tried to protect Mr Bipolar. I love him. I have never wanted anyone to think badly of him. I think, this protection I feel comes with the territory of living with someone who has bipolar disorder. Like I said, I think. Let me explain.

Until Mr. Bipolar was diagnosed, I didn't know anyone with this disease. I don't think people talk about it much. I didn't talk about it much at first. Actually, complete opposite. It was a secret. Why is something like this kept such a secret? I can only answer from our (mine and hubby's) perspective.

My husband is very smart- very. To be diagnosed with a mental illness was terrible for him. I guess he thought stigma. I was just glad to have an answer to what was going on. Even so, no matter how much of a relief it was for me, I didn't say much to people- at first.

Because I never wanted anyone to think badly of him, I never talked about the things he did. This was my way of protecting him. Most of his bipolar episodes, at least the bad stuff, involved just me anyway. To outsiders looking in, when he was manic- he was just being hyper that day. The hate and anger he felt was always directed towards me.

It's funny, in front of other people he would be laughing and having a great time. They would think he was the life of the party. At the same time, he would be so angry at me- for no reason. I think, part of the reason others never saw this side was because I wouldn't let them. I could tell when he was angry- even if he was smiling at them. I would just play my part and try to baby him so we could get through the night. When we went home, things would be awful. But no one ever saw the awful. And I never talked about it.

So many things were never said. There were times when our friends or family would notice "something" was off- but it was usually because of me, not him. I would get stressed or I would seem like I wasn't having a good time. "Whats wrong" they would ask. I would just make up an excuse- I was tired. I made so many excuses.

All the excuses, all the lies- the not talking about what was really going on was my way of protecting my bipolar husband. All because, I didn't want anyone thinking bad of him. I knew he wasn't really the mean person he was acting like on that day. I didn't want them to see that side of him. They wouldn't understand.

Was protecting him the best thing? No, I don't think so at all. What really started to happen was that- ironic enough- people started to think something was wrong with me! I was the one always having to say things like- No we can't go or we need to go home. Our friends thought I didn't want to be around them. I must say I did a good job, no one knew anything was wrong with him.

Now- here we are years later. I don't protect him anymore. What I find interesting is that since I have begun to talk about him being bipolar, it seems like everyone I know knows someone who is bipolar. I don't know (personally) anyone who lives with a bipolar spouse- which I do think, coping with, is different from a friend or relative. What I realize is that there was no need to try and protect him.
While our friends and family my not understand everything about this disease, they are still my friends and family too. Our life may have been better all the way around if I had said something sooner. Somethings may have been stopped. He may have gotten help sooner. I know, I certainly could have used the support a lot sooner.

I guess you live and learn. I don't protect him anymore. I still don't want people to think badly of him, and I don't call everyone I know and tell them every thing he does when he does it. But now, I don't feel bad about venting. Venting can be good.

What I did learn from all those years of trying to protect him- you have to pick your battles. When your spouse is bipolar, there are lots of battles. Now, I choose only to fight those that mean something. He has bipolar disorder, he will do things I can't change. If it's not important- I just let it go.