Bipolar Spouse and Money

If your live with a bipolar spouse, you can't always trust them to make sound financial decisions. During a bipolar episode, your opinion as the spouse may not matter at all. My bipolar husband will do whatever he wants to do when he is like this. How do you protect your family from total financial disaster when you live with someone who is bipolar?

This is very tricky. After 14 years together, I now control every aspect of our money. Some of you may be thinking that's crazy- my husband is an adult, money should be something we "control" together. I think you are right. But, when your spouse is bipolar- that's just not how it is.
As I said- we've been together 14 years, I haven't been controlling everything for 14 years. It was a process. It wasn't even something that I set out trying to do. It's what happened. This is just where we ended up. Now, I do try to control certain things- especially our money. If I could go back and do some things over, taking full control of our finances- much earlier- would be one of them.

I think every bipolar person is different. Each of us who has a bipolar spouse will have different experiences. BUT- from the reading and research I have done- over spending (and I think this is a real loose term that really doesn't describe what actually goes on) is a common symptom in those who are bipolar. So, if your spouse is bipolar, chances are you'll go through this at some point. How drastic it will be will probably depend on the person who is bipolar.

If you have read my post on How Crazy Bipolar Episodes can be, you can see some of the stuff my bipolar husband has done. You'll notice, most all of them involve money- in some way. Spending money seems to be an underlying theme in my husband's episodes. Every bipolar person may not go to such extremes.

My advice (keep in mind I am not a DR- this is from personal experience) to anyone with a bipolar spouse is to take control of your finances as soon as you can and control as much of it as you can.

Unfortunately, just because you keep a tight reign on money, doesn't mean a bipolar person won't find away around it. My husband has found plenty of ways around my "control" of things. The most extreme- he bought a motorcycle in a month when he only made $250, after we have filed bankrupt and he did it with no money down. I didn't have to sign anything. The point is- if they want it bad enough, they will find a way.

There is one other thing. When you talk about a bipolar spouse and money, it's not just about the money that they spend during an episode. I can try to control our money and keep my bipolar husband's spending to a minimum during his episodes, there are still some things I will never be able to end. This is where money and the aftermath of an episode meet. While short term spending can put a strain on a household, the aftermath of an episode can be even worse. Back to my motorcycle story. He got it- now we have to pay for it, every month. This is only one case of many where my bipolar husband purchased something during a bipolar episode that came with a monthly bill. Things like this- you can't just take back. We have to find another way out.

There are even more ways a bipolar person can financially hurt their household. And, they don't always have to have money to do it- or buy something that has to be paid off over time. Take this for example. There was a period of about 5 months where my husband just wasn't well. He wasn't terrible- but he wasn't well. In that period, he got 4 tickets. The combined cost of the 4 was about $700- not to mention my car insurance going up . When he is having a bipolar episode, he drives fast. When he is well- he doesn't. It's that simple. He had no money to just go out and spend- but he still cost us a lot of money. I know it could be worse. I think sometimes incidents like these tickets get to me because I can't control things like this. I try so hard to keep everything running smoothly around here and then BAM! I get hit with something else.

So how do you control everything without it seeming like you are controlling? I haven't really figured that out yet. With my bipolar husband- when he is well, none of this is an issue. When he is well he doesn't ask for money or spend money. It's only when he is sick. When he is having an episode, no matter what I do or say and no matter what our current financial situation- it won't be good enough for him. He will complain that he works and never gets to spend any money. No matter how bad things are in our household- there will still be something that he wants. Of course, reasoning with him when he is like this is not an option.
So what do I do?
Mainly, I just put up with his attitude about it. I know he doesn't really mean what he says, so I just deal with it. He can just be mad. I make sure all our bills are paid as soon as he gets paid, so there is no chance he can spend that money (he has never done this).
The only thing I've found that even half way works as trying to reason with him , my bipolar husband, when he is not well is this: Try to find an alternative and make him think it's his idea.
In short- I have to trick him. I try to redirect his attention to something else, just by mentioning it, and hope that he takes off with it as his idea. This doesn't always work. But it does work sometimes and it's the only way I've found to "stop" him from continuing on with something that may not be good for our family.

If your dealing with the financial tragedies a bipolar spouse has caused, my heart goes out to you. It can be hard and it can make you wonder why you stay where you are. Hang in there. I've said before, I love my bipolar husband. If you love your bipolar spouse, you will find away to get through!

Symptoms of a Bipolar Episode

Each bipolar patients symptoms will be different. I can only write about my experience with my bipolar husband. I think there are some general symptoms that are associated with manic depressive disorder and others that are unique to the patient.

I find some of my husband's symptoms are hard to notice in the beginning. I eventually see them, but no one else ever does. Only those of us closest to someone who is bipolar would notice them. The smallest change in behavior should send up a red flag. I think these early symptoms are important because- in my husbands case- if we catch it early enough, we may be able to stop an episode before it really gets started. I know it sounds paranoid to analyze every little thing, but I have learned through experience that nothing is to small to be symptom. You just have to watch and pay attention. Sometimes it's not until your in the middle of an episode that you can look back and say "ok I noticed ___ but didn't think anything of it." Next time, you'll remember.
Trying to learn and be able to recognize those early symptoms is a process and it's never ending. On top all that- new symptoms, new signs that something may be wrong pop up frequently. You just may not know that they mean something until your reflecting on the situation.


Early Symptoms I've learned to recognize
Remember, each bipolar person is different in some ways. These hold true to my husband.
Some of these are unique to him and others, from the reading I have done; are more common to bipolar disorder in general. I thought this list may help some of you who are new to dealing with this.

• stops caring about personal hygiene
• seems very distant
• talks to much or to little
• doesn't sleep well
• eats more than normal or stops eating
• talks alot about things he wants (not needs)
• lies- about anything and everything, even unimportant stuff
• finds a reason to justify everything
• hides stuff- anything even if it doesn't matter

As well as these, doing or saying anything completely out of character should be a big red flag. For example, my husband drives faster when he has a manic episode. His speeding starts very early on and is one of these first symptoms I can notice.

Remember, each bipolar person has thier own unique symptoms- you have to learn to see them!