The Bipolar Rollar Coaster

It happened sooner than I thought it would. Sooner than I could prepare for.
Mr Bipolar Lost his job- 3 weeks ago. So far, prospects for a new job have not been good. There is not a lot out there right now. But even worse is his state of mind.

I've said plenty of times that, in my husbands case, bipolar disorder keeps him manic- usually. Now he is depressed. I don't have much experience with the depressive side of this disease.

I know how to react to him when he is manic. I know what to say and what not to say to him in his usual manic state. I can see- in his eyes- him planning something before he has time to even speak it.

Now he is depressed. I don't know what to say to him or how to react to what he says and does. I know that, in a way, that probably sounds horrible. I'm not trying to sound insensitive or unloving. I truly don't know what to say to him. Everything I say he takes as "mean." He is barely speaking to me. I am trying to encourage him and show him that I love him- but he is taking it all completely wrong.

I don't know what to do for him. I don't know how to help him.

I don't know what to do next.

I- yes me- updated his resume and have been sending it out to every job he seems even remotely qualified for. He has had 2 interviews so far and one set up for Monday. I can't do much more than that.

I am worried about his state of mind and him going on interviews. He was fired from his job. He's never been fired before. In his defense- it wasn't his fault- unless there are things I don't know about which is entirely possible since I'm not there to see how he works. Anyway, he has never been fired before. He is taking it pretty hard. He's depressed. I am wondering how well he is interviewing. Normally- maybe because he is usually manic- he is very self confident. That confidence is no where to be found right now.

So- I don't know what to do next. I can certainly look for a job myself. I haven't worked, really, in 10 years. I didn't finish college. I will never make enough money to pay our bills. All that aside, who will take care of my kids if I went to work. I can't depend on him to do it. I have to watch him watching the kids when I'm here. We have a baby. I don't leave her with him for long periods. Not because he doesn't care for her or would ever harm her. But, he just doesn't always pay close enough attention. Now, when he is 100% well- this is not an issue. Right now, I can't even get him to bath- I can't leave the baby with him all day.

I just don't know what to do. I'm worried about what will happen next.

He had a Dr appointment last week and the Dr increased his anti-depressant. I sure hope it starts to work soon.

I'm just not sure how to help him. It's not healthy for him to lie around all day, not bathing, not doing anything. But when I say anything- he takes it as me being hostile and mean. Do I just not say anything? Just let him be? That's the plan of action I've taken the past few days. I haven't said much. I have had to ask for his help occasionally- which he gave. And, I have just tried to let him know I love him.

I do love him. I just wish so badly that I could help him and just make this bipolar disorder go away.

The Unstable Bipolar Life

This bipolar disorder has caused our lives to become completely unstable. I do not like living this way. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Bipolar has been unstable for years. But the situation, until the last year or so was always one that still left me with a safety net- a back up plan of sorts. I still has some control of things.

I don't feel so in control anymore. Things could spiral way down, way out of control-far beyond me being able to fix it- any day now. Of course, It's all about money. It seems like it's always about money.

One aspect of bipolar disorder seems to be useless spending- something my husband done as long as I remember. We always seem to be living paycheck to paycheck- with few breaks in between.

5 years ago, even though we lived paycheck to paycheck- we had credit cards- a back up, my safety net, if something went wrong. Then my husband decided to buy a restaurant. He ran it into the ground because he was so manic he didn't think he needed to work. We had to file bankrupt- that was a year and a half ago. Now, I have no backup, no safety net, no credit cards, no nothing. What if something goes wrong?

Mr Bipolar has a decent job- for now. I say for now because, well I guess he could get fired any day. I have often wondered what life will be like in 10 years. Will he be able to work? I am beginning to wonder if I need to be worried about this now- as opposed to ten years from now.

I do everything around our house, Mr Bipolar does nothing. Even when he is normal- he does very little. I manage. I can't be at work with him to make sure he is getting it all done. I don't know what he does while he is there. His job is stressful, too stressful for someone with bipolar disorder. he needs to find a new job. The problem is- he probably won't find a job making as much money as he does now. I would have to find a way to stretch our already stretched budget even farther.

but what if he gets fired? He actually came home last week and said he might get fired. It's to long to explain they why, but it did seem to pass. He is not fired- yet. But the idea has hit home. What if it did happen? What would we do.

I have always tried to fix everything around here. By fix everything I mean make better the problems him being bipolar causes. Like I said earlier, I've always had a safety net of sorts- but not anymore.

If he lost his job and was without a paycheck for a month- we could lose our house. I have 2 kids to take care of. It's so stressful just thinking about what could happen.

I feel to old for this. I want some sort of stability. I know I have to stop trying to fix everything, because I can't. But I also can't just sit around and let it happen.

I have to find a way to make some money I guess. I'm beginning to think- our lives won't be stable until I control everything. I thought I did control everything- but I don't, because I don't make any money. That's my last step. Pray I'll find a way and be able to do it without my kids suffering.

I hate bipolar disorder........