Manic Depressive Bipolar Spouse

My Mentally Ill Family

2009-07-26T01:15:00.004-05:00

My husband has bipolar disorder. I am beginning to think his entire family is- in some way- mentally ill. The way they act just doesn't seem normal to me.

Maybe it's because I come from a very loving-huggy-kissy type family. We tell each other when something is wrong and we always try to help each other, no matter what.

Mr. Bipolar's family is not like that. They are unemotional and somewhat unloving. I am beginning to think it is unhealthy for him and us.

After he was officially diagnosed, Mr Bipolar called his mom and told her he was bipolar. You would think she would be happy to know there was a reason for all the erratic behavior she had put up with when he was younger. Apparently, she didn't tell anyone- not even his Dad. As a matter of fact about 2 years later the subject of hubby being bipolar cam up when both his parents were here ( a rare occasion indeed that they are at our house) and his mother denied knowing! But that is how his family is. They don't talk about people being sick. It's just not mentioned.

Earlier this year, when Mr Bipolar was in yet another car wreck, I went to his mom, without him knowing- because he was in a real bad way at the time- and tried to talk to her. I wanted them, his parents, to understand that I was NOT going to let him take my car to work everyday. He worked 45 minutes away. He getting ticket after ticket and now a wreck. I would take him to work and pick him up- even though that would be a burden- but he was not taking my car. The last thing we needed was him to wreck it too. I know it sounds mean. But in his state of mind it was the right thing to do. If he had been normal, him taking my car would not have been an issue. Anyway, I wanted them to understand why I would be doing this and I tried to talk to her to see if she really understood what him being bipolar meant. She said she did. I even sort of believed her.

I have never been real close to his family. But I do try. They are different from us. But they are his family and I have always thought that they really loved him. My babies- these are their grand kids. They love them right? I am beginning to wonder.

My mother in law- after my visit a few months back, actually called me a couple of times to check and see if Mr Bipolar was getting better. He was- for a while. The phone calls stopped. I try to reach out. I call to tell her when the baby hits a new milestone- what our oldest daughter is doing. I go to visit when her mom is in town.

3 weeks ago Mr Bipolar was fired. I called his mom to let her know. See, I think he really needs his family. He wants their approval. He wants and needs to know they love him. Everybody wants their parents to love them right? I tried to tell his mom, in my visit a few months ago, that hubby really needed to know someone, besides me, cared about him. I'm guessing it didn't sink in.

Since Mr Bipolar lost his job- they have not called at all to check on us. I told Mr bipolar that I called and told his mom- they were gonna find out and I knew he wouldn't call and tell her. He wasn't mad at all. She knows that he knows I told her. We have 2 kids here. Do they not care if we don't have money for food? I'm just shocked.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want their money. And I will say- they have money. They have helped us in the past. It always comes with stipulations and lectures. It's never "out of love." As a matter of fact- his mother, who makes a pretty good living on her own has never once given us a dime on her own. The couple of times Mr Bipolar asked her for anything she always says- Talk to your Dad. With Dad- everything is business, literally. He is a lawyer. Maybe it's just his nature. Anyway, right now. We are Ok. I don't expect them to call and offer over any money. That's not like them. I don't even expect them to call to see if we need money for food- I don't think they would. But you would think they would at least call to see if their son was ok. Maybe check on how the job search was going. At the very least, check to see if the grand kids were being fed. But no- No phone calls at all. They are on vacation right now.

I just don't get it. He needs them- at least he needs to know they care. Maybe they are afraid if they call then Mr Bipolar will ask for money. I don't know what the reason could be. I think it's sad. He needs someone besides me. He needs to know his family cares for him. Why don't they get that.

It's gotten to where I just can't stand it. I don't want to be around them. I think the relationship we have with them is toxic. When things are good, for us, they call occasionally. I guess they expect when things are good we won't need any money so it's safe to call. Things are bad- and we here nothing. I would have thought his mom would have called me- just to see how he was.

I feel I have to be careful what I say about all this. I don't think Mr Bipolar sees it all. Right now, I think he could care less if they or anyone else called. They are his parents. He wants their approval. I really hope one day he'll either truly get it or see how they really are. But I can't say much. In the past when I have- he always says "they are still my parents."

My parents- they don;t have any money, never have. But they would sell everything they have to help us. They would give us every extra dime to make sure my kids were taken care of- if that is what needed to be done. Hubby's parents don't even call........ It just blows my mind.

Maybe one day I'll get up the nerve to confront them. Until then, I just wonder what they are thinking.

The Bipolar Rollar Coaster

2009-07-25T23:58:00.003-05:00

It happened sooner than I thought it would. Sooner than I could prepare for.
Mr Bipolar Lost his job- 3 weeks ago. So far, prospects for a new job have not been good. There is not a lot out there right now. But even worse is his state of mind.

I've said plenty of times that, in my husbands case, bipolar disorder keeps him manic- usually. Now he is depressed. I don't have much experience with the depressive side of this disease.

I know how to react to him when he is manic. I know what to say and what not to say to him in his usual manic state. I can see- in his eyes- him planning something before he has time to even speak it.

Now he is depressed. I don't know what to say to him or how to react to what he says and does. I know that, in a way, that probably sounds horrible. I'm not trying to sound insensitive or unloving. I truly don't know what to say to him. Everything I say he takes as "mean." He is barely speaking to me. I am trying to encourage him and show him that I love him- but he is taking it all completely wrong.

I don't know what to do for him. I don't know how to help him.

I don't know what to do next.

I- yes me- updated his resume and have been sending it out to every job he seems even remotely qualified for. He has had 2 interviews so far and one set up for Monday. I can't do much more than that.

I am worried about his state of mind and him going on interviews. He was fired from his job. He's never been fired before. In his defense- it wasn't his fault- unless there are things I don't know about which is entirely possible since I'm not there to see how he works. Anyway, he has never been fired before. He is taking it pretty hard. He's depressed. I am wondering how well he is interviewing. Normally- maybe because he is usually manic- he is very self confident. That confidence is no where to be found right now.

So- I don't know what to do next. I can certainly look for a job myself. I haven't worked, really, in 10 years. I didn't finish college. I will never make enough money to pay our bills. All that aside, who will take care of my kids if I went to work. I can't depend on him to do it. I have to watch him watching the kids when I'm here. We have a baby. I don't leave her with him for long periods. Not because he doesn't care for her or would ever harm her. But, he just doesn't always pay close enough attention. Now, when he is 100% well- this is not an issue. Right now, I can't even get him to bath- I can't leave the baby with him all day.

I just don't know what to do. I'm worried about what will happen next.

He had a Dr appointment last week and the Dr increased his anti-depressant. I sure hope it starts to work soon.

I'm just not sure how to help him. It's not healthy for him to lie around all day, not bathing, not doing anything. But when I say anything- he takes it as me being hostile and mean. Do I just not say anything? Just let him be? That's the plan of action I've taken the past few days. I haven't said much. I have had to ask for his help occasionally- which he gave. And, I have just tried to let him know I love him.

I do love him. I just wish so badly that I could help him and just make this bipolar disorder go away.

Another Bipolar Disorder Day

2009-06-26T22:28:00.003-05:00

My husband has bipolar disorder- not me. Lately, I have been working on tryng to not let his disease consume me. I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. It is consumming me. Not just me- but our entire lives.

As this day comes to an end and another begins, I can only hope it will be better. Mr Bipolar, while he has not been normal lately, has not had any seriously erratic behavior issues- except for one: Driving. It's not his driving that bothers me but the consequences of his bad driving. He has gotten 5 0r 6 tickets since last August.

I have learned, fairly well, how to deal with the emotional strains of him having bipolar disorder. It's not easy to deal with all the emotions involved. It is truly the financial stress involved with disease that is just overwhelming me.

I've talked a little before about worrying what will happen in 10 years, although as I mentioned in my last post The Unstable Bipolar Life , I am beginning to think I need to worry about the more immediate future. Will he be able to work next year. After this past week of worrying about him possible losing his job, today I was hit with yet another money sucker.

It all has to do with his driving, bad driving caused by his bipolar disorder. We got our car insurance renewal in today. It is going up to $400 a month. It has more than doubled in the past year. The worst part is, come January when it's time to renew again- they will probably drop us. There is at least 2 speeding tickets and an at fault wreck from 2009 not showing up on this renewal. As if $400 a month isn't enough, if they don't drop us- our car insurance will probably cost as much as our mortgage.

And what does my loving bipolar husband say about all this: "Just call around, we can find cheaper insurance." The insurance we have is already cheap.

When I opened the envelope from the insurance company and read all this, I began to cry. It's one thing after another. Of all these tickets he has, 2 are still outstanding- one is past due. If he gets stopped for speeding, yet again, he will probably be arrested. I don't have the money to pay it. It's almost $300. I hope he remembers that and doesn't speed so he doesn't get arrested.

he keeps speeding, keep getting tickets like they have no adverse affect on our lives. But then BAM! All at once it hits- and he acts like it's really no big deal. We can shop around for better insurance. Yes, someone will insure us. And yes, we may be able to get cheaper insurance- but will they be any good. What happens if he gets in another wreck? If we have some crap insurance then what?

I am just so frustrated right now. Hi disease- bipolar disorder- consumes everything. It directs our lives. Isn't it enough I don't have my husband anymore. There is no emotional comfort or connection, he can't stay normal long enough for us to build anything back. Do we really have to lose everything because of this. I fear that's where we are headed. We've already filed bankrupt- all we really have is the house, and it's mortgaged. It's the only thing left to lose. I'm afraid that is where we are headed.

When you live paycheck to paycheck- money is already stretched as far as it will go. Any extra expense, like speeding tickets, put you behind. I have gotten extensions on bills as far as I can go. Everything has to be paid next month (July) by a certain date or it gets cut off. Now this extra insurance cost- which has to be paid in July- just adds to an already bad situation.

I hate bipolar disorder. I hate him being bipolar. I want my husband to be normal. I want a normal life. We don't have to be rich, just not so far stretched would be nice.

As I have said before, I love my husband- even though he does have bipolar disorder. We'll get though this too, I just don't see how right now this second.

The Unstable Bipolar Life

2009-06-26T08:47:00.004-05:00

This bipolar disorder has caused our lives to become completely unstable. I do not like living this way. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Bipolar has been unstable for years. But the situation, until the last year or so was always one that still left me with a safety net- a back up plan of sorts. I still has some control of things.

I don't feel so in control anymore. Things could spiral way down, way out of control-far beyond me being able to fix it- any day now. Of course, It's all about money. It seems like it's always about money.

One aspect of bipolar disorder seems to be useless spending- something my husband done as long as I remember. We always seem to be living paycheck to paycheck- with few breaks in between.

5 years ago, even though we lived paycheck to paycheck- we had credit cards- a back up, my safety net, if something went wrong. Then my husband decided to buy a restaurant. He ran it into the ground because he was so manic he didn't think he needed to work. We had to file bankrupt- that was a year and a half ago. Now, I have no backup, no safety net, no credit cards, no nothing. What if something goes wrong?

Mr Bipolar has a decent job- for now. I say for now because, well I guess he could get fired any day. I have often wondered what life will be like in 10 years. Will he be able to work? I am beginning to wonder if I need to be worried about this now- as opposed to ten years from now.

I do everything around our house, Mr Bipolar does nothing. Even when he is normal- he does very little. I manage. I can't be at work with him to make sure he is getting it all done. I don't know what he does while he is there. His job is stressful, too stressful for someone with bipolar disorder. he needs to find a new job. The problem is- he probably won't find a job making as much money as he does now. I would have to find a way to stretch our already stretched budget even farther.

but what if he gets fired? He actually came home last week and said he might get fired. It's to long to explain they why, but it did seem to pass. He is not fired- yet. But the idea has hit home. What if it did happen? What would we do.

I have always tried to fix everything around here. By fix everything I mean make better the problems him being bipolar causes. Like I said earlier, I've always had a safety net of sorts- but not anymore.

If he lost his job and was without a paycheck for a month- we could lose our house. I have 2 kids to take care of. It's so stressful just thinking about what could happen.

I feel to old for this. I want some sort of stability. I know I have to stop trying to fix everything, because I can't. But I also can't just sit around and let it happen.

I have to find a way to make some money I guess. I'm beginning to think- our lives won't be stable until I control everything. I thought I did control everything- but I don't, because I don't make any money. That's my last step. Pray I'll find a way and be able to do it without my kids suffering.

I hate bipolar disorder........

Protecting You Bipolar Spouse

2009-05-20T02:32:00.002-05:00

I have always tried to protect Mr Bipolar. I love him. I have never wanted anyone to think badly of him. I think, this protection I feel comes with the territory of living with someone who has bipolar disorder. Like I said, I think. Let me explain.

Until Mr. Bipolar was diagnosed, I didn't know anyone with this disease. I don't think people talk about it much. I didn't talk about it much at first. Actually, complete opposite. It was a secret. Why is something like this kept such a secret? I can only answer from our (mine and hubby's) perspective.

My husband is very smart- very. To be diagnosed with a mental illness was terrible for him. I guess he thought stigma. I was just glad to have an answer to what was going on. Even so, no matter how much of a relief it was for me, I didn't say much to people- at first.

Because I never wanted anyone to think badly of him, I never talked about the things he did. This was my way of protecting him. Most of his bipolar episodes, at least the bad stuff, involved just me anyway. To outsiders looking in, when he was manic- he was just being hyper that day. The hate and anger he felt was always directed towards me.

It's funny, in front of other people he would be laughing and having a great time. They would think he was the life of the party. At the same time, he would be so angry at me- for no reason. I think, part of the reason others never saw this side was because I wouldn't let them. I could tell when he was angry- even if he was smiling at them. I would just play my part and try to baby him so we could get through the night. When we went home, things would be awful. But no one ever saw the awful. And I never talked about it.

So many things were never said. There were times when our friends or family would notice "something" was off- but it was usually because of me, not him. I would get stressed or I would seem like I wasn't having a good time. "Whats wrong" they would ask. I would just make up an excuse- I was tired. I made so many excuses.

All the excuses, all the lies- the not talking about what was really going on was my way of protecting my bipolar husband. All because, I didn't want anyone thinking bad of him. I knew he wasn't really the mean person he was acting like on that day. I didn't want them to see that side of him. They wouldn't understand.

Was protecting him the best thing? No, I don't think so at all. What really started to happen was that- ironic enough- people started to think something was wrong with me! I was the one always having to say things like- No we can't go or we need to go home. Our friends thought I didn't want to be around them. I must say I did a good job, no one knew anything was wrong with him.

Now- here we are years later. I don't protect him anymore. What I find interesting is that since I have begun to talk about him being bipolar, it seems like everyone I know knows someone who is bipolar. I don't know (personally) anyone who lives with a bipolar spouse- which I do think, coping with, is different from a friend or relative. What I realize is that there was no need to try and protect him.
While our friends and family my not understand everything about this disease, they are still my friends and family too. Our life may have been better all the way around if I had said something sooner. Somethings may have been stopped. He may have gotten help sooner. I know, I certainly could have used the support a lot sooner.

I guess you live and learn. I don't protect him anymore. I still don't want people to think badly of him, and I don't call everyone I know and tell them every thing he does when he does it. But now, I don't feel bad about venting. Venting can be good.

What I did learn from all those years of trying to protect him- you have to pick your battles. When your spouse is bipolar, there are lots of battles. Now, I choose only to fight those that mean something. He has bipolar disorder, he will do things I can't change. If it's not important- I just let it go.

The To Do List of the Spouse of a Bipolar

2009-05-01T00:34:00.004-05:00

I've Been away. Not really away, but away from my computer. I am so overwhelmed right now I could just pull my hair out.
Have I mentioned before that I do everything? Probably. I'm sure there are some of you that know exactly how I feel. Everyday is a challenge to get everything done, my stuff plus all the extra stuff my bipolar husband should be doing. When you throw anything extra into the mix it's impossible to keep up.

My oldest daughter is a girl scout. I am her troop leader. In March we sold cookies for 3 weeks. We sell ALOT of cookies. It's all my troop does for those 3 weeks. I am also the cookie mom for my troop so I am responsible for every box of cookies and every dollar we bring in. We sold 6500 boxes this year. It was a long 3 weeks.
For these 3 weeks I hardly had time to sleep- much less anything else. This is not my first go round with cookies, but it is my first time trying to juggle everything involved with cookies sales and a new baby.

I really could have used some help with things. Think I got any? Nope!
I kept up with laundry and as much of the "little stuff" as I could, but needless to say everything piled up- even the laundry.
Of course right after cookie sales ended was my daughter's birthday and between me and the 2 kids we have had 7 DR appointments in the past month. Luckily- no one was sick, just routine checkups, eye DR, ect.. Thank Goodness! I might have truly lost my mind had any one of us actually been sick.

So here I am, April is over- and I am STILL playing catch up. I did finally get the laundry caught up, but that's it. The house is a mess, the flower beds are over grown, the pool is not clean, the ironing pile is running over- ohhh the list goes on and on.

No matter how much I do, my to do list just gets longer and longer. When it gets this bad, I get overwhelmed. I don't know where to start.
I really need MR Bipolar to step up and help. He could load the dish washer occasionally. Him cleaning the pool would be really nice- That won't happen! Heck- him helping to clean the pool would be nice. Right now- even that's a lot to ask of him. He's not well again. He's not as bad as he can get- but not normal either. Right now he is being very selfish- not thinking of anyone but himself. So, I don't expect any help from him anytime soon.
My husband takes 3 different meds. Sometimes, I think I need a mix of meds to help me cope!

Bipolar Spouse and Money

2009-03-03T04:48:00.002-06:00

If your live with a bipolar spouse, you can't always trust them to make sound financial decisions. During a bipolar episode, your opinion as the spouse may not matter at all. My bipolar husband will do whatever he wants to do when he is like this. How do you protect your family from total financial disaster when you live with someone who is bipolar?

This is very tricky. After 14 years together, I now control every aspect of our money. Some of you may be thinking that's crazy- my husband is an adult, money should be something we "control" together. I think you are right. But, when your spouse is bipolar- that's just not how it is.
As I said- we've been together 14 years, I haven't been controlling everything for 14 years. It was a process. It wasn't even something that I set out trying to do. It's what happened. This is just where we ended up. Now, I do try to control certain things- especially our money. If I could go back and do some things over, taking full control of our finances- much earlier- would be one of them.

I think every bipolar person is different. Each of us who has a bipolar spouse will have different experiences. BUT- from the reading and research I have done- over spending (and I think this is a real loose term that really doesn't describe what actually goes on) is a common symptom in those who are bipolar. So, if your spouse is bipolar, chances are you'll go through this at some point. How drastic it will be will probably depend on the person who is bipolar.

If you have read my post on How Crazy Bipolar Episodes can be, you can see some of the stuff my bipolar husband has done. You'll notice, most all of them involve money- in some way. Spending money seems to be an underlying theme in my husband's episodes. Every bipolar person may not go to such extremes.

My advice (keep in mind I am not a DR- this is from personal experience) to anyone with a bipolar spouse is to take control of your finances as soon as you can and control as much of it as you can.

Unfortunately, just because you keep a tight reign on money, doesn't mean a bipolar person won't find away around it. My husband has found plenty of ways around my "control" of things. The most extreme- he bought a motorcycle in a month when he only made $250, after we have filed bankrupt and he did it with no money down. I didn't have to sign anything. The point is- if they want it bad enough, they will find a way.

There is one other thing. When you talk about a bipolar spouse and money, it's not just about the money that they spend during an episode. I can try to control our money and keep my bipolar husband's spending to a minimum during his episodes, there are still some things I will never be able to end. This is where money and the aftermath of an episode meet. While short term spending can put a strain on a household, the aftermath of an episode can be even worse. Back to my motorcycle story. He got it- now we have to pay for it, every month. This is only one case of many where my bipolar husband purchased something during a bipolar episode that came with a monthly bill. Things like this- you can't just take back. We have to find another way out.

There are even more ways a bipolar person can financially hurt their household. And, they don't always have to have money to do it- or buy something that has to be paid off over time. Take this for example. There was a period of about 5 months where my husband just wasn't well. He wasn't terrible- but he wasn't well. In that period, he got 4 tickets. The combined cost of the 4 was about $700- not to mention my car insurance going up . When he is having a bipolar episode, he drives fast. When he is well- he doesn't. It's that simple. He had no money to just go out and spend- but he still cost us a lot of money. I know it could be worse. I think sometimes incidents like these tickets get to me because I can't control things like this. I try so hard to keep everything running smoothly around here and then BAM! I get hit with something else.

So how do you control everything without it seeming like you are controlling? I haven't really figured that out yet. With my bipolar husband- when he is well, none of this is an issue. When he is well he doesn't ask for money or spend money. It's only when he is sick. When he is having an episode, no matter what I do or say and no matter what our current financial situation- it won't be good enough for him. He will complain that he works and never gets to spend any money. No matter how bad things are in our household- there will still be something that he wants. Of course, reasoning with him when he is like this is not an option.
So what do I do?
Mainly, I just put up with his attitude about it. I know he doesn't really mean what he says, so I just deal with it. He can just be mad. I make sure all our bills are paid as soon as he gets paid, so there is no chance he can spend that money (he has never done this).
The only thing I've found that even half way works as trying to reason with him , my bipolar husband, when he is not well is this: Try to find an alternative and make him think it's his idea.
In short- I have to trick him. I try to redirect his attention to something else, just by mentioning it, and hope that he takes off with it as his idea. This doesn't always work. But it does work sometimes and it's the only way I've found to "stop" him from continuing on with something that may not be good for our family.

If your dealing with the financial tragedies a bipolar spouse has caused, my heart goes out to you. It can be hard and it can make you wonder why you stay where you are. Hang in there. I've said before, I love my bipolar husband. If you love your bipolar spouse, you will find away to get through!

Bipolar Spouse and Emotions

2009-03-01T07:16:00.004-06:00

So I admit, my bipolar spouse is not the most emotional man on this planet, even when he is well. When you add bipolar disorder on top of someone who is already not very emotional, you get a not so nice mix.
When I say Mr bipolar is not emotional- I don't mean at all. He's not real huggy and kissy but he's not in anyway mean. I actually think alot of it is taught. His family is just not real open with their emotions. And ya know- that may be it. He has emotions, he's just not real open with them.
Now, right after he comes off of a manic episode, he is really venerable. He shows more emotion at this point then ever.

During his episodes, the only emotions that seems to surface are the bad ones- anger, frustration- you get the point. Of course, when this starts he is pretty far gone. Early on in the episode he is just emotionless- like a robot. While the anger, frustration and hate are hard to deal with, I now know those emotions are not how he really feels about things. They may feel very real to him while it's happening and it certainly feels real to me while it's happening, but I know that deep down he doesn't really hate everything.
In the beginning, when he shows no emotion, it can actually be harder for me then when he is angry and hates everything. At least by the time he gets angry, I know whats going on- he is having a bipolar episode. It's that simple.
When he shows no emotion, it can be very confusing. Especially since he's not real emotional to begin with. It's during this time that I find myself asking him "what's wrong" or "what's the matter" 50 times a day. Nothing- is always the answer, but to me he seems less emotional than normal. I guess I should know by now that this IS the beginning of a bipolar episode. I guess part of me is just hoping that it isn't.

It's funny how I can think through it and say- I should know it starts like this: No emotion. I guess it's just really confusing because at this point he isn't necessarily doing anything else. And, since he doesn't show alot of emotion all the time- it's not much different. There are times, when he's not having a bipolar episode but is having a bad day or is tired or sick- where he seems the same way- less emotional than normal. I suppose this would be why I think maybe it's not the start of an episode every time it happens.
I guess I should change that- it's the start of a bipolar episode when it last for a few days. If it's just one day- he could just not be feeling well. Right? Maybe I try to convince myself that even after 3 or 4 days, he's just not not feeling well. I know better than that. But I still believe it sometimes. I mean, one can be sick or not feel well for 3 or 4 days- or even longer. Right? As his wife, I should give him the benefit of the doubt- right?
ARG!!!! See how confusing it can be!!! NO- I shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt- He's Bipolar! Chances are it IS an episode and I know that. I don't know why I ever convince myself otherwise. I guess maybe I will learn one day.

Until then- I will love my bipolar spouse and try to make the best of it.

Coping With a Bipolar Spouse

2009-03-01T03:14:00.004-06:00

How does one cope with a bipolar spouse?
I suppose the answer to this is will be different from each spouse of a bipolar person. In the end, I think the best thing we (the spouse of someone who is bipolar) can do is have something that is that is our own. I don't even think what "something" is, is even that important. You just have to have something that is all yours. Something that your bipolar spouse is not involved in. I'm not implying that we should have a secret life or that our "something" even has to be a secret. It just needs to be ours, something we control or are part of, something that our bipolar spouse does not influence and is not at all part of and (if can be) something that is or happens outside of our home.

From my experience dealing with my bipolar husband, this is why I think having our own "something to do" without our bipolar spouse and even better- something to do without our bipolar spouse- that's outside of our home, is very important.

Reason #1- whatever "we" do ends up in ciaos.
It's great to spend time and do things with my husband, when he is well. When he is well, I want to spend time with him. I want to do things with him. But, the more things we are involved in together is just more of MY life that gets thrown into turmoil when he is not well. When he is sick, whatever he has part in (that involves me) will get turned upside down. When he is sick, all the anger that he feels gets directed towards me. He can't seem to separate that anger he feels for me from whatever we do together. So whatever we are doing together- or trying to do- just ends up a big mess.

Reason #2- I need to have an excuse to get away
By away, I don't mean for days, just a little break from the madness. This break really shouldn't be a job- unless you work opposite hours your bipolar spouse. And I think it should be something flexible- not set to a specific timetable. I've said this before: When my bipolar husband is having an episode, I try my best to keep him at home. If he is at home, it is less likely something really bad will happen. But, just because I know he is having an episode and just because I'm trying to keep the damage minimal (by keeping him home) does not mean I want to spend every minute at home with him. Even worse- spending every minute with him pretending like everything is ok. The thing is, when Mr bipolar is not well, me trying to leave "just to get away" makes him angrier and more likely to do something crazy. Why? He doesn't think anything is wrong with him- it's all me. From his view, I shouldn't need to get away from him, he needs to get away from me. The commitments I have are, for the most part, year round. Sometimes they involve a little "extra" time. This works well for me. When he is manic, I suppose my husband doesn't feel threatened by the the things I do regularly. Him not being threatened by it is not the same thing as him not having issues with it (sometimes). What I mean is, if it's something I always do it-he does see it as me finding an excuse to get away. During an episode, he may not like me leaving to do anything- but he doesn't see it as about him- at least in this sense. He may find away to think it's about him and he may give me grieve about it- but he still doesn't see it as me being "sneaky" trying to get time away from him.
So, my outside activities allow me an excuse to get out of my house during his bipolar episodes and the flexibility allows me to change it up as needed.

Reason #3- I need something to mentally focus on.
Dealing with my husband's bipolar disorder can be so mentally draining. Sometimes, I just need something to occupy my mind with. I have hobbies- things I can do at home. But, when Mr Bipolar is not well, I find it hard to focus on most anything at home. If he is there, he's gonna have something to say about whatever I'm doing- usually something that angers me. If he's not home, there is just to many reminders of what's going on for me to truly focus my mind somewhere else. Doing my thing- out side of our house- truly allows me to get away for a while. These breaks help keep me mentally stable.

Reason #4- If he's part of it, he wants to control it.
When my bipolar husband is manic- he thinks he is right about everything. If we try to do something together- it has to be his way. Even something as simple as watching TV together becomes a battle in his manic state. If there is something fun (and I'm sure there is) that we could do together when he is well- and I mean outside activities, not sitting at home playing a game type stuff- his manic episodes would only ruin it. If he can't be in control and have things his way- he becomes embarrassing. At least I get embarrassed, he thinks he is right and just makes a fool out of himself. It's easier to just not participate in these activities then to have them ruined by his disease. I do things I enjoy and we can do things together when he is well. But, I no longer try for us to do things together that involve long term commitments because I know, eventually, it will just be ruined by bipolar disorder.

While I do have other ways to cope- this is my biggest. I guess basically just having my own life. A part of my life he is not involved in. He knows what I do- but he can't control it, he's not a part of it. And, if he's not a part of it. His Bipolar disorder can't touch it!

Trust and A Bipolar Spouse

2009-02-27T05:16:00.008-06:00

I Love my bipolar husband.
I do not Trust my bipolar husband- at least not most of the time.

When your spouse is manic depressive, trust is a very sensitive topic. Since my husband spends more time manic then he does depressed I truly do not know how much of an issue trust is with a depressed spouse. But I can say with 100% certainty that is a BIG issue when your spouse is manic.
With manic episodes comes lying, spending money, going places they shouldn't go and just in general doing things they shouldn't do. Your spouse can only sneak around so many times and lie to you so many times before you stop trusting them- bipolar or not.
A person who is bipolar may be perfectly nice and respectable when they are not having an episode. When they do have an episode, all that changes- especially for us spouses. You learn, at some point, not to trust anything they say during an episode. Sometimes, they may actually be telling the truth, but you still don't believe it. You may even want to believe it. You want so badly for some things to be true. But you just can't tell what is real. So, eventually- you stop trusting all together.

I write this today because this is where I am right now. I'm starting to wonder if I can ever really trust him again. I want to, I really want to. He, being bipolar and manic, has broken my trust so many times. After he is "back"- off his bipolar manic spiral- I give back my trust. Why? because part of me still wants to believe that this will be the last time. It's naive, I know. I think we all want our spouses to be normal. We all hope this manic or depressive episode will be the last. And, sometimes, I think we believe that until it happens again. It always happens again. It will never end. There will always be ANOTHER bipolar episode. That is the nature of this disease. It just won't stop.

So how do we give back our trust to someone who has broken it so many times? I don't know if I know the answer to this yet. I give my trust only to have it ripped away with the next bipolar episode.

It seems like a catch-22. In reality, we can't go through life not trusting our spouse. But when your spouse is bipolar, we can't trust them all the time. So how do you decide when to trust and when not to trust?

When my husband is 100% normal, I know I can trust him 100%. So the problem is- not just trust- but knowing when he is 100% normal to be able to trust him. This can be tricky.

Before they are completely gone- a bipolar person can put on a real good show- especially if they are smart. Mr Bipolar is very smart. He knows just what to say. He is smart enough to act like he is normal- at least in front of me. Now, this act of his only last a short while. Because he is bipolar, he can't keep it up very long. The thing is, he doesn't have to keep it up long. All he has to do is get me to believe that he is ok and I let my guard down. When my guard goes down, my heart usually ends up broken- again.

It's a very fine line- knowing when to and when not to trust someone who is bipolar. Because you love them, you really do want to believe they are ok.
I have had to learn to trust my gut. No matter how much of a good show Mr Bipolar puts on, usually if he is not well, I can "feel" it. Whats hard though, is not backing down.
Here is how it plays out.
Mr Bipolar is not 100% well- but he's not bad enough to where he is out doing anything terrible either. He is at that point where he is trying to hide it. I don't really know what he is feeling because he doesn't tell me. But I know he is not ok because he is doing small things that are out of character for him. Now he wants to do something. It can be anything. This "something" for normal people would be no big deal. I wish it were no big deal for us. But, because he is bipolar it is a big deal and him going off alone can lead to bad things. I say he's acting strange. He disagrees and tells me I'm over reacting. He tells me I don't trust him. And on and on and on. He is right, I don't trust him and I may be over reacting- if he were normal. But, my gut tells me something is wrong and I have to stand by it. He gets upset. He tries to rationally tell me why whatever it is he is wanting to do should be ok. He even makes sense and sometimes he has me feeling sorry for treating him badly! I almost give in. But I don't. Because my gut is telling me he is not ok. He'll get even madder. But I don't care. I have to try and make sure things stay half normal in my house- for my kids' sake.

I have learned from personal experience, if I can keep my husband at home during a bipolar episode- it won't be as bad as it could be. It won't make him get well, but it will keep him out of trouble. Of course, by keeping him at home I have to put up with all the side effects of him being bipolar- the anger, hate, frustration, ect... But it is better than having to worry about where he is or what he is doing.
Because I don't trust him- I control as much as I can, including our money. In the story above, he can't go do whatever he wants without going through me first because he has no money. When he is normal, this is really not an issue. When he is manic- it makes him angry. But, it's what I have to do,
I put up with his episodes at home, in part to keep him safe. I don't trust him with money, I don't believe what he says and I don't trust him to go places without me (when he is sick).

Like I said, I think there is a really fine line between knowing when to trust and when not to trust someone who is bipolar. You have to live and learn. I think I have learned alot. I don't trust him much at all anymore. It's actually rather sad. I now find myself having trouble trusting even when I know he is ok. I think because now, after 14 years, I do know it will happen again. No matter ow much I don't want it to- it will. The next bipolar manic episode is just right around the corner. So I'm always on guard.

Trusting has become very hard. I don't think, even when he is normal, that my bipolar husband really understands how hard this is. I know, I wish it were easier.
Trust is very important in a relationship. In a relationship with a bipolar spouse- It can truly be almost impossible.

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2009-02-25T02:28:00.005-06:00

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Love Your Bipolar Spouse, Hate the Disease

2009-02-23T06:19:00.003-06:00

Easy? Not always.
It's not his fault he is bipolar. Yes, I know. I have heard this so many times. I've even said it a million times. It's true, I know it's true. Sometimes, like when your bipolar spouse is blaming you for everything wrong in their life, it's hard to remember.

My close friends and our family all know that my husband is Bipolar. They didn't know for a long time, but now- they are my allies in this fight against bipolar disorder. I have to have someone to talk to about all this. And I hope you do too. These people understand that because he is bipolar, everything my husband does is not his fault and he does not mean everything he says when he is having an episode. But, I have to say- these same people- they think I'm nuts. They know things aren't his fault because I tell them it's not his fault. I believe this is true. Understand- things not being his fault because he is bipolar is not the same as him being responsible even though he is bipolar. It's not his fault- but ultimately, he IS still responsible.
Anyway- back on subject, our friends and family think I'm crazy because I'm always saying- It's not his fault. Ya know- sometimes I think they may be right. Am I to forgiving? I think it's a fine line and we have to be careful.

My husband is bipolar- but I choose to stay here. No one made me.
I stay because I love my Husband- even if he is a manic depressive bipolar sufferer. I still love him, in fact I adore him. I am madly in love with him. I couldn't live without him.

But- this bipolar disorder- it's still his disease. It is part of him. I love him. I hate this disease

Can you help your Bipolar Spouse overcome an Episode?

2009-02-23T05:40:00.003-06:00

Is it possible? In general, I think the answer is no. I find- at least for my bipolar husband, this is his disease and he has to overcome his episodes on his own. Usually, the problem is that he doesn't think there is anything wrong so he doesn't think he needs any help. That's the biggest problem with bipolar disorder- denial.

But I do think there are things we, the loved ones, can do to push them in the right direction. Believe me, I have tried everything to get my husband to come out of a manic or depressive episode. I've screamed, yelled and fought with him. I've tried ignoring the fact that he is not being normal. And I've tried being super nice- showing him lots of extra love to get him back. None of these things work. As a matter of fact, most of them make his episodes worse.

Fighting with him and trying to reason with him just makes him angrier. Ignoring it does nothing but make him really think things are ok. And showing him extra love and being extra nice really makes him really think he is on to something.

The only things I've found that even mildly seem to help with his bipolar episodes is to be firm and consistent.

Years ago, after a really bad manic episode, I laid down my ground rules.

1. During a bipolar episode, I will not pretend like everything is ok.

2. I will not lie for him or try to "cover up" things in front of others.

3. I will- no matter how he reacts- call him out on what he is doing that is wrong

4. We will, or at least I will to him, talk about what is going on. This one is tricky. Bipolar people don't think they are doing anything wrong so they don't think there is anything to talk about.

So these are my basic rules when dealing with his bipolar episodes. Although, sometimes even these don't really help me.

Still- I am firm in what I believe and I am persistent.

What am I persistent about? Getting him to the DR or to call the Dr.

Luckily, Mr bipolar's doc only gives him a months supply of meds at a time so he has to go each month. But when things get bad- I sometimes can't wait for the next appointment. I need him to call and do something right then.

To get him to call, basically- I have to bother him. I tell him over and over again that something is wrong and he needs to call the Dr. I stay firm in what I am saying - No matter how he tries to spin it. And when he is in the middle of a bipolar episode, he will try to spin it. He will spin it to sound like everything is my fault. Sometimes, I start to think I'm the one who is bipolar!
Anyway- Stay Firm! And be persistent! I just keep on with my something is wrong spill. I don't waiver.
So what happens? I think he gets tired of hearing me say it over and over. Eventually, he calls the doc just to get me to shut up. And yes- he has told me as much. But I don't care. Whatever works right?

So that's how I "help" Mr Bipolar out of his episode. See, I'm not actually helping to bring him back to normal. I'm "pushing" him until he calls the Dr.
He calls the doc- doc changes the meds (usually increases)- and before long things are ok again, at least for a little while.

Now, this pushing- it can take a while. Mr Bipolar has gone to the doc during an episode and not said anything was wrong. I really should go to the doc with him all the time, but it's not always possible. Anyway, visits to the doc with a bipolar spouse- that's a whole different subject for a different post.

For now- Be Firm and Be persistent. Push in the right direction. But remember- we can't fix their bipolar episodes. We can't cure this bipolar disease. And, we can't stop the next bipolar episode from happening. You just have to take it one day at a time.
Love your bipolar spouse- hate the disease.

Bipolar Spouse and the Kids Involved

2009-02-21T18:27:00.003-06:00

A bipolar husband sometimes equals a bipolar dad.
Living with my bipolar husband is not easy- not for me. It is even worse for our daughter, at least I think so.
The anger, hate and frustration my husband feels during his episodes is all directed towards me, not our children. So my daughter doesn't have to deal with that, but when he is "off" she does not have her daddy.
I've said before, when he is well he is a wonderful father. But when he is having an episode, he just can't be counted on.
I think it's worse on the kids involved because they don't know what is going on. My daughter doesn't understand why her father is the way he is. I have explained it to her as best I can, but I know she doesn't really get it.
My daughter needs her daddy. Sometimes, his bipolar disorder keeps him from being a good dad.
It's important that when he is well he makes up for some of what he missed.

What triggers a Bipolar Episode

2009-02-17T03:53:00.003-06:00

Just like symptoms, triggers are unique to each bipolar person.

My Husband's Biggest trigger is stress.
It's unfortunate. Life is stressful- for everybody. He can't handle the stress so he goes manic. Usually the episodes start slowly and build to a really bad point. But sometimes it happens really fast. He'll go completely- really bad manic- really fast.

The fact that stress is his main trigger is what worries me greatly and makes me worry so much about the future. There is stress everywhere. At home and at work. There will always stress, no matter what we do. But Mr Bipolar can't handle it. Of course the worse the stress then the worse the episode is.
More stress = faster start to an episode and it last longer.
I can't take all the stress out of our lives.
I really am worried that he won't able to work in 10 years. I try to make things as unstressful as possible at home. But I can't control his situation at work.
Because I have 2 kids to to take care of, I have to plan for the future- just in case.

I love my husband, but I hate his bipolar disorder.

Symptoms of a Bipolar Episode

2009-02-17T02:44:00.003-06:00

Each bipolar patients symptoms will be different. I can only write about my experience with my bipolar husband. I think there are some general symptoms that are associated with manic depressive disorder and others that are unique to the patient.

I find some of my husband's symptoms are hard to notice in the beginning. I eventually see them, but no one else ever does. Only those of us closest to someone who is bipolar would notice them. The smallest change in behavior should send up a red flag. I think these early symptoms are important because- in my husbands case- if we catch it early enough, we may be able to stop an episode before it really gets started. I know it sounds paranoid to analyze every little thing, but I have learned through experience that nothing is to small to be symptom. You just have to watch and pay attention. Sometimes it's not until your in the middle of an episode that you can look back and say "ok I noticed ___ but didn't think anything of it." Next time, you'll remember.
Trying to learn and be able to recognize those early symptoms is a process and it's never ending. On top all that- new symptoms, new signs that something may be wrong pop up frequently. You just may not know that they mean something until your reflecting on the situation.

Early Symptoms I've learned to recognize
Remember, each bipolar person is different in some ways. These hold true to my husband.
Some of these are unique to him and others, from the reading I have done; are more common to bipolar disorder in general. I thought this list may help some of you who are new to dealing with this.

stops caring about personal hygiene
seems very distant
talks to much or to little
doesn't sleep well
eats more than normal or stops eating
talks alot about things he wants (not needs)
lies- about anything and everything, even unimportant stuff
finds a reason to justify everything
hides stuff- anything even if it doesn't matter

As well as these, doing or saying anything completely out of character should be a big red flag. For example, my husband drives faster when he has a manic episode. His speeding starts very early on and is one of these first symptoms I can notice.

Remember, each bipolar person has thier own unique symptoms- you have to learn to see them!

Bipolar Disorder and Marriage

2009-02-17T01:41:00.004-06:00

The strain bipolar disorder has on a marriage can be overwhelming. When my husband is not well our entire lives are turned upside down. My normally loving, helpful husband becomes some what useless and very mean. I stated in an earlier post that the strain is emotional and physical. This is absolutely true. I'll discuss a little bit of both here.

Emotional stress of Bipolar disorder on a marriage
You will hear most spouses of someone who is manic depressive (me included) talk more about the emotional stress of the illness on their marriage. The emotional struggles involved are by far harder to overcome than anything else in this type of marriage, weather the patient is manic or depressed. My husband is usually manic. With his manic episodes come anger, frustration and hate. So, along with all the crazy (and uncalled for) behavior issues, I gets lots of verbal "not so nice" attention from him. He gets angry at the drop of a hat, everything frustrates him and in general he dislikes most everything because when he is manic he thinks everyone, especially me, is out to get him. All the stuff I've read on bipolar disorder says the same thing- a person who is bipolar takes their anger and frustration out on those that they love the most. While that's nice to know, it does not make me feel any better when Mr Bipolar is angry at me for no reason.
I also know that we have to remember our bipolar loved ones say things to us during these episodes that they do not mean. But, that doesn't make it hurt any less.
The up and down of this disease, hearing things that aren't true but still hurt deeply, trying to remember 'It's not their fault' can wear you out. Sometimes when my husband has a bad manic episode that last a while, I actually start to believe some of the stuff he tells me. If you hear it over and over- it just starts to seem true.

Physical Stress of Bipolar Disorder on a Marriage
While it's not talked about as much and are much easier to overcome, there is physical stress and strain in a marriage with a bipolar spouse. At least this is my experience.
When my husband is manic and definitely the few times he has been in depressed mode, he is useless. Aside from going to work, he stops doing everything. So, not only is there no emotional support- he helps with nothing when he like this. In either state (manic or depressed) he sits in the bedroom all day and all night when he is home. The only difference is how he feels emotionally. While he is like this, I have to do double duty around here- taking over the things that he normally does- because he won't do them.
With 2 kids, homeschooling, volunteer work, housework, and caring the kids to and fro - even as a SAHM, I don't have a lot of free time. Now, because I don't work I don't expect my husband to come home from work and do much of anything. But when he stops doing what he does help with, it makes a difference.
When he's in a bipolar episode- the days are long and the nights short. Doing everything- every day is physically draining.

When you combine the physical stress with the mental stress- you become a time bomb. Having to deal with my husband and trying to keep out lives intact can feel like too much on some days. But you have to take it day by day. Having a bipolar spouse is not easy- and on the bad days it doesn't even feel worth it. But like I have said before- I love my bipolar husband, so I find a way to push through!

Crazyness of Bipolar Episodes

2009-02-16T03:42:00.007-06:00

Just like any other spouse of a manic depressive, I've had to deal with the crazy things that the manic side of bipolar disorder has caused my husband to do.

I've certainly dealt with the normal over spending, charging up credit cards, buying stuff we (or he) didn't need. Sometimes it does go a little over board- or even completely out of hand. I'm not gonna try and list everything he's ever done or bought. This post is just to highlight some of the more extreme incidents.

On a side note, after reading other peoples stories across the Internet, I think I am lucky to some extreme. Mr Bipolar has never been unfaithful, left his family or been violent. And while I am madly in love with him, there are some things that just can't be fixed.

OK Now for my list! These are in no particular order.

1. This would fall under over spending but because of the situation surrounding it I still consider it extreme. Our oldest daughter was 7 months old- and needed a crib. Mr Bipolar switched jobs and was out of work for about 2 months in between. We had to live off our credit cards. He started his new job but had to go out of town for 2 weeks for training. By this point we had $100 left on our credit card (the others were maxed out). The money was supposed to be used to buy the crib for our daughter but I was waiting until he got a check just in case there was an emergency and we needed that last bit of money. While he was out of town, he and all the guys he worked with went out to dinner and he decided to buy everyone drinks. Yep- he charged up the last $100 in drinks.

2. He once lost a $1000 in one week on video poker. This is when I opened a separate checking account.

3. He ordered a $30000 truck off the Internet and didn't tell me. He needed a new truck but we couldn't afford it, but that didn't stop him.

4. He opened a new credit card, without me knowing, then charged $1500 to a strip club for access to the VIP room (good for 1 year).

5. So Mr Bipolar worked as a car salesman for a while. Sales got really bad because of the high gas prices. The last month he was there he made $250- that's it! Our family helped us get by. He found a new job, but before he left the dealership he bought a motorcycle.

6. Did I mention when he bought the motorcycle (in the same month he only made $250) I was pregnant. And, he doesn't know how to drive the motorcycle. Actually, he didn't even know how to crank it.

7. We owned a business for a while (a restaurant). Mr Bipolar jumped through hoops to get this business, which he should have been great at running since- aside for the brief stint at the car dealership- all he has ever done is manage restaurants. In his worst, longest lasting manic episode ever he just decided he didn't really want to work there. He was paying people to do that- so he hardly ever went. We eventually lost the business and had to file bankrupt.

8. He flipped over his truck (supposedly a tire blew out) but he had been drinking. He crawled out and walked up to the nearest gas station and bought a beer- then walked back to the wrecked truck. Why? He said so the cop couldn't accuse him of drinking and driving.

This is just a small list. I suppose I could go on and on.
Anyone else want to share what crazy things your bipolar spouse has done while manic (or depressed).

My Bipolar Husband

2009-02-16T02:16:00.009-06:00

As the title suggest, my husband is bipolar- also known as Manic depressive. Living with his disease is certainly not easy. I love my husband very much despite him being sick. And yes, that's what I call it- an illness, a sickness, a disease- I think all of these terms sum it up well. He is Bipolar, but - like any other disease or illness- it is not his fault.

My husband was "officially" diagnosed about 3 years ago. But, I can now look back over or entire relationship and see the cycles. For many years I didn't know what was wrong. Honestly, I just thought he hated me. At least when he wasn't well, that's how it felt. When he was normal things were ok. It was all very confusing.

There did come a point when I started to figure out what was wrong. Although I'm not a Dr., a little web surfing and reading lead me to believe he was bipolar. When he finally went to the Dr and was officially diagnosed, it was like a giant weight was lifted off me. And for the first time in a long time I truly believed he didn't hate me.

When he is normal, Mr Bipolar is a wonderful husband, father and provider. But when he is "off," life is completely different. I have seen it described as a rollar-coaster ride that you can't get off of- and I agree completely. The ups and downs can be draining (to say the least) both mentally and physically.

The Manic depressive spectrum is a big one. It can't be (I wish it was) as simple as depressed-normal-manic. I describe it as a little off, way off, stepped over the edge so on and so on. I think my husband stays mostly manic. And I say I think because after lot of reading I learned that the symptoms of mania and depression, especially in men, are very similar. When he is "off" I have to pay attention to everything to figure out which way he is going. At least with my husband, the difference is so little and the symptoms are so much alike it is sometimes hard to tell right away.

I have read so much out bipolar disorder since my husband was diagnosed. One thing I learned is that is gets worse as the patient gets older. This scares me. I'm not scared for me- but for my husband. When he is normal I guess I don't think about it much. But the pattern seems to be holding true for him. His episodes seems to be coming more often and lasting longer. I am hoping and praying that I am wrong. I think, once an episode starts, other factors (triggers) can keep him not normal for longer than if those factors weren't present. I hope I'm right about this one and we can someday find a way to keep his life as trigger-free as possible. If not, I am really beginning to fear what our life will be like in 10 years. My husband is not violent, so that is not my concern. I am worried he won't be able to work. That he truly won't be able to function like a normal person. This would devastate him.

To sum it up, this is my husband: Infected with Bipolar disorder, stays mostly manic. But I am madly in love with him- disease and all.